Registered Sex Offender Files Restraining Order Against Nine-Year-Old Girl

Laura Santi was sued yesterday by registered sex offender Mitch Holtzman, who asked the court to keep Santi’s nine-year-old daughter at least 100 feet away from his urges at all times.  Alexis, who recently won the Little Miss Sexy beauty contest, was practicing her pole-dancing on the lamp post in front of Holzman’s house.

“It’s like they staple my stomach and then wave candy in my face,” said Holtzman.  “I don’t want to go back to prison, but, come on, people, work with me.”  Holtzman noted that Alexis’ 15-15-15 measurements were particularly difficult to ignore.

“Oh, please, last week Alexis was such a cow,” complained the pageant mom.  “No one would have wanted to molest her then.  But after I put her on a crash diet of baby carrots and cigarette butts, she was finally able to get into that $200 custom-made bikini.”

After his suit was dismissed, a frustrated Holtzman warned Ms. Santi that Alexis’ status as the prettiest girl in the neighborhood was in jeopardy.  

Four out of five registered sex offenders watch TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras.

“I like to pretend that the girls on our street are in a contest where I’m the judge,” explained the sex offender to the pageant mom, “and Alexis needs to step up her game.  My telescope is already trained on the seven-year-old across the street who’s begun stuffing her bra.”

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