Chrislip Cheerleaders Trade Pom-Poms for Dumbbells
Chrislip College basketball fans were stunned over the summer when trainer Ben Bronislawa left the team to take the position of cheerleading coach. However, the move was a natural for Bronislawa, who decades earlier injected the East German woman’s swim team to Olympic gold.
“Last season was too perfect,” complained lifelong Pines fan Mike Kirgan, “We had a winning team to root for and cheerleaders worth gawking at. Now the team sucks and our cheerleaders have Adams apples. They sound like drill sergeants. Their baritone cheers frighten the opposition more than our zone defense.”
Last year, despite the chemically-induced nature of the improvement, fans were quick to adopt the formerly effeminate basketball team. Alumni celebrated each victory by donating clean urine samples to their favorite player. Despite an investigation after the season, Chrislip College players were able to escape penalty because they never actually failed a drug test and there are no league rules that outlaw the possession of someone else’s urine.
The current losing streak has most fans clamoring for new trainer Mikey Gutierrez to adopt Bronislawa’s dubious methods. Still, the cosmetology student prefers to focus on his athletes’ appearance rather than their strength. Instead of players hitting the weight room as they did last year, Gutierrez spray-paints muscles on them at the local tanning salon. “If looks were victories, my bronze warriors would be undefeated. But by the second half, the paint begins to run. The guys look like they’re melting, which hardly intimidates the opposition. I think a deeper base might improve our rebounding.”