Mayor Defends Federal Zombie Study
Every day the faltering economy forces more and more Chrislip families to choose poverty as an alternative to prosperity. Our schools only prepare students for a lifetime of Welfare dependency. Even the potholes on Chrislip’s roads are crumbling. So when President Obama’s trillion dollar gravy train left Washington, for what pressing need did our local leaders request aid?
A study to determine whether the Swine Flu is more dangerous than zombies.
Explained Mayor Howard Presnell, “Look, it was a joke, OK? The city council was working late at a budget meeting and someone ordered pizzas and we started watching this horror flick on the late show. The hospital administrator was still steamed that we cut the funds for Swine Flu shots. Just then this guy in the movie had his brain eaten by a zombie and we were like, ‘Swine Flu can’t be any worse than that.’”
St. Luke’s Hospital administrator Brian O’Connell tried to be the voice of reason. “Every time I tried to explain that the people saved by the shots are non-fictional, the mayor complained that he wished that zombies ate ‘Brians’ instead of ‘brains.’”
Mayor Presnell responded: “Finally, just to shut the pencil-pusher up, we all agreed that if he proved that Swine Flu was a greater threat to Chrislip than zombies, we’d restore his funding. So he wrote the study proposal right then and there. No one thought that anyone in Washington would take it seriously. But apparently the Obama Administration thinks that we need to better understand the threat to the United States presented by zombies because, three weeks later, we got this check for $20,000.”
How does one disprove the danger presented by the undead? O’Connell played horror movies in St. Luke’s psychiatric ward for a week and no one died, putting to rest concerns of a zombie invasion.
“But since none of them died of Swine Flu, either, I guess you could say that the two threats are equally deadly,” laughed O’Connell. “After I ordered $20,000-worth of flu shots, I still had to write out the study report. In it, I concluded that Boris Karloff-type zombies don’t present much of a danger, since you can simply walk away from them. That is one of many reasons why more people died in the early 20th century from Spanish Flu than from monsters. But if the zombies could run fast, like in the movie 28 Days, then, yes, I’d rather have the Swine Flu.”
Although the funds were invested to improve the health of Chrislip’s residents, last Thursday Brian O’Connell was arrested for diverting money appropriated for a specific purpose. Page 833 of President Obama’s stimulus bill specifically says that any funds not spent studying zombies are to be returned to the Federal Treasury.
“For the record, let me state that Barack Obama is a slow, shuffling zombie who killed and ate Brian,” said hospital spokeswoman Cassandra Little, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “More accurately, Obama is not a zombie and he didn’t kill anyone, and Mr. O’Connell was merely arrested for violating federal law.”
Meanwhile, back in Northern Michigan, a small-town mayor is defending himself against an angry mob of citizens who’d rather have better schools than the peace-of-mind gained from knowing that they are safe from the undead. Said Presnell, “You talk about our low test scores as if that’s a bad thing. If there is an invasion of brain-eating zombies, our schools might be the safest place to hide.”