Glenn Beck Turns Chrislip Brains to Mush

For years, liberals warned America of the vitriolic rhetoric spewing from conservative talk radio.  This week, the argument reached Chrislip with the conversion of WOLD from rap to talk.  “With those call letters, we were never going to attract a younger audience,” said station manager Steve Montgomery.  “So we figured ‘why fight it?’  And, to ensure the new format’s success, we’ve been handing out free hearing aids at retirement homes in the Chrislip area.  If the young won’t listen to us, we need to make sure that the elderly still can.” 

Shortly afterward, Phyllis Wales was visiting her father Larry at his nursing home when he began behaving oddly.  Told that his granddaughter was starring in her fifth-grade’s play, Larry immediately stood up and began shouting, “Commie! Obama’s a Commie!  We can’t let Obama’s Hitler Youth steal our Medicare.” 

“Then he called me ‘Nazi jailbait’ and hit me over the head with the TV control,” said a shaken Phyllis, who fled the facility.  An angry gang calling themselves the “Elder Assassins” pursued her as fast as their walkers would allow.  “They chanted ‘take America back, take America back’.  It’s like aliens had turned their brains to mush.” 

Larry Wales' new walker has wheels to help him fight crime and repeal Obama-care

In this case the mind-controlling aliens were conservative talk show hosts like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.  When pressed, station manager Montgomery confessed that the “hearing aids” were really miniature radios tuned only to WOLD.  “The station couldn’t afford real hearing aids.  We just never considered what would happen to a brain subjected to Rush Limbaugh 24/7.” 

A spokesman for the Obama administration said that to prevent further violence from other geriatric gangs, Medicare will no longer support hip replacement.  “FoxNews was wrong again when they said that no one would benefit from President Obama’s healthcare initiative until 2014.  Elderly gangstas can’t do any harm if they’re bedridden.  This is further evidence that Barrack Obama is keeping America safe from elderly gangs like the ‘Coffin Dodgers.’” 


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  1. Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

    • chrislipjournal
    • April 5th, 2010

    Thanks! Our reporters will be working ’round the clock to make up… er, DIG up the timely stories. 🙂

    Rob

  1. March 29th, 2010

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