Archive for the ‘ College News ’ Category

Child Abandonment is the New Parental Empowerment

Shortly after graduating from high school, Angela Verlinde noticed that most of her friends were getting married and having children.  Or, as is more typical in Chrislip, having children and getting married.  Or, even more typically, having children.  And it seemed as if a great many of those children were arriving as sets of twins.

“Twins were everywhere!” remembers Angela.  “Gosh, it seemed like everybody had one!”

She also noticed that, while the parents were at first over the moon with their twins, the luster began to fade after a few years.  For one thing, there was the expense.  Caring for two children is roughly twice as expensive as caring for one.  Then there was the matter of aesthetics.

“I think the moms and dads began to wonder why they ever had twins in the first place,” Angela says.  “After all, you wouldn’t hang two identical paintings on your wall.  You wouldn’t buy two of the exact same dresses.  So why have the same kid twice?”

When she heard parents actually talking about ways to trim the herd, Angela decided to do something about it.  Securing a small-business loan, she opened Two’s-A-Crowd, Chrislip’s first twin exchange.  There, parents can drop off the twin of their choice and take home a child of a different age, size, sex, color, or religion.

Angela admits that people often skip that second step.  “The word ‘exchange’ is misleading,” she says with a laugh.  “Parents rarely take a new twin home after dropping off the old one.”

“MORE SOUP FOR ME!” this little fella seems to be shouting, after learning that his twin brother won't be coming home.

What happens to the twins who are left behind?

“Gosh, only good things, I’m sure,” says Angela.  “If you don’t have a little faith, than what have you got?”

Amen to that.

Angela plans to open a triplet exchange called Three’s-A-Crowd, and may even open a quadruplet exchange if she can think of a name for it.

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Cheerleaders Put On Their Big Girl Panties and Man Up

Most people in town aren’t old enough to remember the last time the Chrislip High football team had a winning season.  And those who are probably don’t remember because it had nothing to do with beer.

Traditionally, the Chrislip High Poets have played about as well as their namesakes:  poets.  And while the long history of failure has been tough for both players and fans, the team’s cheerleaders may be the ones it’s been most achingly hard on.

Angela Bergen rooted in the 1970s.  She remembers when the Poets began their long slide toward – and past – mediocrity.  “It happened during the Carter administration.  At first we thought the boys were just spending too much time in Chrislip’s boogie palaces, but the years passed, and lo and behold, we didn’t get any better.”

For a long time, the Chrislip cheerleaders kept up the same types of cheers common in every squad’s repertoire.  After a while, though, all that rah-rah-ing seemed to take on a mocking tone.  “When the Chrislip Poets are playing,” says current head cheerleader Babette Musger, “and you yell ‘Let’s win, boys!’, or ‘Let’s score a touchdown!’, it just comes out sounding sarcastic.”

Over the losing years, the cheers took on a different tone.  Often they proclaimed mundane facts:

“Chrislip Poets, that’s our name!

There’s 8:05 left in the game!”

Other cheers were genuinely aimed at helping the team:

“Referee, don’t be cruel,

Please invoke the mercy rule!”

Still others were meaningless, yet somehow strangely inspirational:

“Two bits, four bits,

six bits, a dollar,

eight bits, ten bits,

twelve bits, TWO DOLLARS!”

The cheer squad also used their skills as a form of public service; a kind of social grapevine to spread the latest in school news:

“Every tongue in school is buzzin’!

Jamie did it with her cousin!”

Now, the Chrislip Poets stand at the door of respectability, if not actual success.  As we reported earlier, all-state running back Marcellus Harper is slated to join the team next fall (See “Natural Gas Explosion Aids Football Team”).  The addition of such talent can only mean that the fortunes of all the Poets will turn.

This will be a big adjustment for the cheerleaders.  They will have to learn normal cheers, just like real girls at real high schools.

One middle-aged fan of the cheerleading team – who shows up for all their practices and asks that he not be identified – puts it this way:  “The girls have to be in lockstep with the football team.  If the players are successful, so must they be.  Sometimes girls at this age believe that the crowds are looking at them only to admire their figures.  They are mistaken.  The fans wants to hear capable and inspirational cheering.  They do not come to look at the girls, who merely flirt at womanhood as they cheer, their coltish limbs and voices paying artless homage to the season.  These are naught but girlchildren at play; little Degas ballerinas in the halflight of autumn’s e’en.”

He then excused himself to go to the market to buy red licorice and Ho-Ho’s for the team.

Two Chrislip High cheerleaders with unidentified 46-year-old admirer.

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Cafeteria Worker Is Fired After Perfecting Cancer Cure

In the most significant breakthrough in cafeteria technology since the sneeze guard, Chrislip College’s Doris Mervin has announced a cure for Melanoma, the most deadly form of skin cancer.  Perhaps the biggest mystery is how the cafeteria worker without a degree or any scientific background was able to do what scores of researchers with billions of dollars in funding could not.  However, Ms. Mervin’s supporters insist that cafeteria workers are the patent clerks of the food-service industry.

Doris Mervin serves up folksy theories about Dacarbazine chemotherapy treatments along with her famous fried chicken.

The discovery has led Chrislipians to wonder if Ms. Mervin will be adding a second Nobel Prize to her collection.  She previously won the Nobel Prize for Economics while working in the Chrislip Elementary cafeteria.  The notoriety led to a position at Chrislip College, where she specialized in meatloaf.

“I was busy slinging mashed potatoes onto those trays with the little compartments,” explained Ms. Mervin in last month’s issue of Science.  “Only this time I missed and when the peas and potatoes got mixed up, it hit me.  If the peas were cancer and the potatoes were Salmonella, I might be able to stimulate an immune response to trick the body into attacking the peas, which everyone hates anyway and are a pain to clean up after they’re stepped on.”

Hopefully Doris Mervin's recipe for "research and potatoes" will be more popular with the Nobel committee than it was with Chrislip College students.

Alas, after the freshman class became ill after accidentally eating her latest experiment, she was dismissed by the college and will be continuing her research at the local McDonalds.  You’ve been warned.

“Turns out that Doris was covering up for a lack of hygiene in the cafeteria and she heard students discussing the concept,” admitted Chrislip College’s Dean Marner.  “Apparently, her Petri dishes were just ordinary dishes that she was too lazy to clean.  But, to her credit and our students’ consternation, the green stuff was Salmonella.”

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Liberal Professor Accidentally Hires White Intern

On Friday, Liberal Humanities Professor Mick Williams parted ways with long-time intern James McAfee.  Those who knew the pair were surprised that McAfee lasted as long as he did.  “I just got tired of apologizing to everyone for things that I didn’t do,” said McAfee, who has accepted  a job as school janitor

James McAfee will now be cleaning up things that he didn’t do.

“For instance, on Mondays we’d have to find a Jewish student and apologize for the Holocaust.  The Professor would often express the desire to put his German grandmother in the gas chamber just to even things out.  But she’s stuck in some nursing home with a security guard who frowns on gassing the elderly.  So would he, as a Jew, accept this bagel instead?

“On Tuesday, it was Native Americans.  We’d have to get ‘fire water’ from the 7-11 and force white students to get drunk just to see how they liked it.  And so on.  We’d work our way up to ‘Slavery Fridays’.

“Is it any wonder that the guy was so screwed up that he turned to [Chrislip College Psychology Professor] Dr. Max Trask?  But combining Scream Therapy with the Professor’s beliefs only made things worse.  He would play hip-hop music and repeatedly shout, ‘My original sin is my skin!’”

At that point, even cleaning toilets began to look appealing to Mr. McAfee.

Needless to say, Professor Williams offers a different take on his experience with Dr. Trask.  Although he declined a request for interview, Professor Williams did offer this statement:

“With the invaluable aid of fellow professor Dr. Max Trask, I’ve been able to uncover long repressed memories.  For example, I now can recall my mother rocking me at night while quoting Senator Robert Byrd when he said in 1944: ‘Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds.’  Then I’d suckle up to her racist tit.

“If Senator Byrd can overcome his race then so can I.  With my next intern, I intend to address my own lack of diversity by hiring in one person as many minorities as I can.  I am therefore pleased to introduce my new intern, Javier Gray, the doubly-persecuted Gay Homosexual son of Black African-American descendants of slaves.  Initially, I was hoping for a lesbian, but when he volunteered for a sex-change operation, I knew all my bases would be covered.”

Meet Javier Gray, Professor Williams’ dream intern

Meet Javier Gray, Professor Williams’ dream intern

When this reporter met with Mr. Gray, it was obvious he was neither Gay nor African-American, but was in fact former intern James McAfee in disguise.  Explained McAfee, “Even working for this left-wing nut job is better than cleaning toilets when the cafeteria is serving chili.”

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Man Molests Women’s Shadow

A fiend walks among us.

In the past week, a series of incidents have cast a pall over the Chrislip College campus. Three young women waiting at bus stops claim that they were approached by a stranger who touched their shadows in an indecent manner.

The women – Linda Fleming, Allison Bork, and Lauren Aldrich – all reported identical attacks. A middle-aged man, behaving nervously, darted from the bus shelter, dropped to his knees, and began fondling their shadows, touching them on the buttocks, breasts, and other dirty areas. Police believe the incidents might be related.

TheRealSlimyShady

The Real Slimy Shady

“I felt violated,” said Ms. Bork, who asked not to be identified. “Well, maybe not violated, because it was only my shadow he touched. But I still felt pretty sad.”

All three women are students at Chrislip. All are slim and attractive, except for Ms. Aldrich, who might be pretty if she lost some weight.

Police Chief Ed Waxler said he plans to Google “shadow molesting” to find out if it’s a crime. If it is, he vows to bring the queer bird to justice.

“Some law enforcement agencies are more concerned with thinking up clever nicknames for criminals rather than catching them,” said Chief Waxler, “and we’ve come up with some dillies.” They include “The Real Slimy Shady” and “The Silhouette-ophile.”

Shadows are caused when solid objects block the path of the sun’s rays to the ground. They’re not considered dangerous, or even newsworthy, unless they start acting independently of their owners.

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Chrislip Debate Team Puts the “Butt” in “Rebuttal”

Debate captain Wayne Landers practices his response to an opponent's argument

The Chrislip College debating team has finished another successful season, and will now embark on its quest for the district championship.

Their first opponent will be Ferris State College, a team they soundly defeated in their regular season meeting.

“A strong offense is the best defense,” says team captain Wayne Landers, “and we plan to go in with our guns blazing.”

The topic of the first Ferris-Chrislip meeting was Obama-care.  Ferris State began with a well thought-out argument on the virtues of President Obama’s health plan.  Captain Landers countered with, “Hey, subsidize this!”, and raised his middle finger in an obscene gesture, thrusting it up and down to maximize the effect.  This demoralized the Ferris team, who never managed to recover.

“This time, the topic is Arizona’s new immigration law, so I’ll alter my strategy,” he says.  “I’ll change ‘subsidize this‘ to ‘racially profile this‘.  In this league, you adapt or you lose.”

Another tactic Landers used early in the season was “mooning” – lowering his pants and displaying his buttocks in a fearsome manner when cornered by opponents.  Surprisingly, this wasn’t a very effective tool until he turned the mooning duty over to first-year debater Jen Curtis.  After that, opponents crumbled and the team went undefeated.

“I can’t explain how someone with practically no debating experience has been so successful,” says a puzzled Landers.  “I guess sometimes it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it.”

Rookie Curtis has so far racked up three wins, two saves, and four marriage proposals.

Jen Curtis

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Baseball Team Thanks Steroids for Victory

No one would have blamed Chrislip baseball coach Lou Effinger if he had committed suicide at some point during the past two years. Besides his team’s 43-game losing streak, he’s bald, middle-aged, overweight, thrice divorced, and drives a used Taurus. Even his Match.com page encourages women to exhaust all other alternatives before contacting him.

Fortunately for Chrislip baseball fans, school nurse Lillian Herbert was just as desperate. Said Herbert, “He’s cute, but in a loserish-sort of way. And unfortunately I know a few things about dating losers. For starters, the girl doesn’t ‘win’ unless the guy does. So you could say that we were both on a long losing streak.” Which is why, for their three week anniversary, Nurse Herbert decided to give Coach Effinger something no other woman has: a victory.

“Before last Sunday’s game with the Central Michigan Chippewas, I grabbed my medical bag, walked over to the visitor’s dugout and announced that the league had asked me to administer random drug tests,” explained Nurse Herbert. “You had to admire the results though. Looking at the bench, it was like the Chippendales dressed up in baseball uniforms. I just wanted to sprinkle Deca-Durabolin all over my body and let them lick it all up.” The panicked, scattering Chippewas rushed for their bus, not stopping to notice whether the nurse had stripped down to her syringe.

Nurse Herbert displays the key to Chrislip's victory

 Although the game ended in a forfeit win for the Fighting Pines and the team elected her MVP, things didn’t last between coach and nurse. “He was grateful as a puppy,” admitted Nurse Herbert. “But every time we made love, all I could think about were the glutes on those Chippewas.”

So after the Pines, Coach Effinger, and Nurse Herbert resumed their losing ways last Tuesday against the Alma College Scots, she left the coach for first baseman Stevie Harwood. Said Nurse Herbert of her new beau, “it’s so cute that he thinks the Human Growth Hormone injections are all about hitting a baseball farther. What he doesn’t know is that I’m building my very own Chippendale.”

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