Cats Just Gay Dogs, Vet Claims

If you own a cat, chances are you’ve noticed that it shares a lot of character traits with homosexual men.  It’s neat, well-groomed, self-absorbed, walks funny, and spends a lot of time trying to lick its own cahooty.  Dogs, on the other hand, resemble heterosexual men:  loyal, friendly slobs who are not above making frantic love to inanimate objects.

Now a local vet, Fred Findlay, has put forth an interesting theory regarding dogs and cats.  He claims that there are no such things as “cats,” and that what we call cats are simply dogs that have, as he puts it, “went gay.”

“About two years ago I found a box with a couple of newborn puppies on my doorstep,” says Findlay.  “I kept one of the dogs and named him Petey.”


“I gave the other one to my cousin, who is a male nurse.  He named his dog Marcel.  Petey was exposed to beer and cage-fighting.  For Marcel it was all Lady Gaga and Sex and the City reruns.  Now Petey is a regular dog, and Marcel is a dog that looks and behaves just like that animal we used to think of as ‘cat’.”


Isn’t it possible that Marcel was simply a cat right from the start?

“That’s not what Gary said,” explains Findlay.  “Gary saw him and said he was a dog.”

It’s not clear who Gary is.  And it should be pointed out that when Fred Findlay identifies himself as a “vet,” he means he’s an Army veteran rather than a veterinarian.  He fought in the Gulf War and received a purple heart, which went back to its normal color after a week in the hospital.

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  1. It is just this sort of hard-hitting, fact-laden journalism that is missing from so many papers today.

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