Stars Change Position in Chrislip’s Night Sky
Chrislipians tend to be very old-fashioned when it comes to astrology. We believe it to be the unerring word of God, and feel that it should be taken literally and not tampered with. That’s why we were taken aback when it was announced that, due to the way the stars won’t stop moving around all the time, the previous zodiac signs had to be realigned. It was a move that affected both those who regard astrology as a matter of life and death, and those who merely browse our horoscope over our morning coffee and then plan our day meticulously around it.
Whether man or nature is responsible for the change in the zodiac, believers in astrology can’t help but feel they’re getting screwed. And when it comes to getting screwed, there’s one lady in town who won’t take it lying down.
Madam Lindsay is Chrislip’s leading astrologer. She’s been reading our star charts since 2004. When she heard that her beloved night sky had been rezoned, she went outside, gazed at the stars, and created her own version of the zodiac.
Lindsay, who gained the “Madam” nickname years ago when she ran a whorehouse in Indianapolis, admits that she doesn’t have the same imagination as our ancestors when it comes to seeing patterns in the stars. “My constellations are quite elementary, and I named them after friends and family,” she says. Some of her constellations include Jerry the Stick, Kevin the Slightly Bigger Stick, and Nadine the Four-Sided Triangle.
She has yet to work out the characteristics for each sign based on their positional relationships to other stars. So for the time being, she’s just assigning the characteristics of the person the the sign is named for. She explains: “Those born under the sign of Kevin are clever, ambitious, and have a wife with a Percodan addiction. If you’re a Nadine, you owe me $58. If you’re born under Jerry, you are ill-tempered and leave too many skidmarks in your shorts.”