Mayor Reminds Potential Assassins That He’s Not Important Enough to Kill
If anything good came out of the recent shootings in Tucson, it’s the reminder to politicians that there are people out there who want them dead. Assassination isn’t just for presidents anymore. Even a low-level politico like our own mayor, Howard Presnell, has to be aware of the fact that one of Chrislip’s walking time bombs might mistake him for someone important enough to shoot.
Though he knows he might be a target, the mayor insists that he shouldn’t be. “Most people shoot politicians because they feel they’re either doing too much or too little,” explains Presnell. “Me, I’m right in the middle. I show up at the office every day, but I don’t knock myself out. If you look at my record, you’ll see that I’ve cut the ribbons at dozens of supermarket openings. I’ve never enacted a piece of legislation that could be remotely called important, though. So if you kill me, chances are you’ll get somebody who’ll be either a bigger slouch or a bigger go-getter. Chrislip can’t afford either.”
He suggests that there are mayors in nearby towns who need killing even worse than he does. “Some of them legislate everything that isn’t nailed down,” he says for the benefit of any crackpots who might be listening. “And I’m pretty sure I heard a couple of them say that they wouldn’t mind getting assassinated.”
But Mayor Presnell has been in politics long enough to know that you can’t always reason with crazy people. So in order to more fully ensure his safety, he’s pulling out the big guns. And in Chrislip, the biggest guns are psychologist Max Trask.
“Max taught me that you can always tell crazy people by the way they look,” says the Mayor. “They have go-funny eyes, and their hair sticks out at odd angles.”
Originally, Dr. Trask would circulate through the crowd and pick out those who looked crackerdog. He would then discreetly signal the mayor’s security staff by twirling his forefinger around his ear in a clockwise motion while shouting, “He’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”
Later on they streamlined the process. “We realized that nobody looked crazier than Dr. Trask himself,” the mayor recalls. “So now we just station him in the doorway, and if anyone comes through who looks worse than he does, my boys put the cuffs on him.”
“Putting the cuffs on” is security slang for pistol-whipping.