Local Realtor Turns To Heavy Metal Feng Shui

In this real estate market, every town has homes that cannot be sold.  Perhaps the former owners left a bad vibe behind while trashing the place before turning the keys over to the bank.  Or the house may have a bad karma after some notorious crime was committed there.  Or, as is the case for the historic Chrislip Inn, it might be rumored to be inhabited by a ghostly presence that only haunts women whose cup size is D or larger.

All potential female buyers of the Chrislip Inn must be prequalified by a gynecologist

Properties like this can languish on the market for months, which can cost a fortune.  In Chrislip, whenever a house is too creepy to be sold, owners turn to Betty Lucifer, a realtor who specializes in selling haunted homes.

“Some houses are beyond a coat of paint and holy water,” admits Ms. Lucifer, no relation to the dark lord.  “I used to work with an exorcist, but they can be such expensive prima donnas.  Now I just call my son.  Funny, I used to be so angry that Lex turned to this Goth culture that glorifies death; now I just let him turn demonic lemons into lucrative lemonade.”

Betty Lucifer is the mother of local punk rock legend Lex Lucifer, whose band, the Groin Pulls, is back in Chrislip after a successful tour of Manitoba AND Saskatchewan.  Whenever Betty encounters a haunted home, she lets her son’s band practice there overnight.  Her experience has been that no spiritual presence can withstand an entire evening of heavy metal.

“We usually open with ‘Panhellenic Nun-Muncher’ and then segue into ‘Subliminal Genocide of the Apocalypse Dragon,” explains Lex.  “By the time we get to ‘Decaying Masochistic Pregnancy,’ the spirit has fled the premises.  I don’t know how it works, but, according to my mom, it’s like feng shui, only louder.”

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  1. Will Satan’s Lemonade be appearing on my grocer’s shelves soon? Sounds refreshing! And I don’t care what anyone says, the picture of the half-naked woman is SO NOT a gratuitous cheesecake shot that had nothing to do with the piece.

    • chrislipjournal
    • January 18th, 2011

    We agree. We’re above that sort of thing. Heh-heh… you said “piece.”

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