City Council Adopts Vulgar Phrase as Town Motto

Since riding the Republican groundswell to office in November, the eight members of the Chrislip City Council have heard whispers behind their backs. Whispers that they’re too stiff, too stodgy, too far behind the times. After all, each is a white, heterosexual, Protestant male between the ages of 50 and 51. They’ve tried several ways to shake their button-down perception, including trying to smile in public. But yesterday, in one fell swoop, they may have changed their image for good.

It started the night before, when Councilman Michael Randolph spotted a teenager spray-painting an obscenity on a town overpass. “I shouted at the beatnik, ‘Where’s your civic pride?’,” he remembers. “He yelled back a very rude reply.”

At the next Council meeting, Mr. Randolph told his fellow members about the incident. One member in particular, John Thomas, found it hilarious. Mr. Thomas, who turned 50 just last November, is the youngest member of the Council, and the resident scamp. He’s known for crazily-colored shirts and ties, and coffee mugs with madcap sayings.

Councilman John Thomas

He was the one who suggested making the beatnik’s rude reply the town’s official motto for the new year. It was an outrageous suggestion, but one whose time had come, Mr. Thomas insisted. It was edgy, it was hip, and far more “cool” than previous slogans, such as “Let’s make our town a slice of heaven in the coming year of 2007.”

At first the other Councilmen were appalled at the suggestion. “But the more we thought about it, the more sense it made,” says Mr. Randolph. “Every year we beg our citizens to take pride in their town, and to no avail. This year we’ll tell them not to take pride, and in the rudest way possible. Maybe reverse psychology will work.”

And so, after much debate, it was ruled that Chrislip’s official slogan will be: “Take your civic pride and shove it up your ass.”

Whether it works or not, Mr. Randolph admits that the slogan is intoxicatingly fun to say. “I really couldn’t stop saying it, in fact,” he admits sheepishly. “That evening when my wife asked if I wanted dessert, I told her to take her apple pan dowdy and shove it up her ass.” He turns serious. “I only wish my five-year-old hadn’t picked that night to ask me to help tuck in her Tickle-Me-Elmo. I’m sorry, sweetie. Daddy didn’t mean what he said.”

When the phone rings and he is told that a private citizen is circulating a petition to have the controversial slogan recalled, the mischievous twinkle returns to his eyes. “Tell him to take his petition,” he says, “and file it with the Chrislip town coordinator.”

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