Local Fatties Shiver Away the Pounds

Historically, Chrislip has been the fattest of towns in the fattest of states.  While we can’t take all of the credit for Michigan’s gastronomic victory, our acceptance speech would thank the popularity of meat-shaped fruits and vegetables (See “Vegetarianism Meats Reality”).

Recently, however, this trend has begun to change, and local dietitian Quinn Jaworski deserves a good portion of the acclaim.

“Your body burns a lot of calories just maintaining a normal temperature,” said the Florida native.  “When you’re cold, your body generates heat by shivering.  I lost a lot of weight after moving to Northern Michigan.  Then I realized that I could turbo-charge the process by just taking off my clothes.”

The health guru’s lack of modesty clashed with the Midwestern sense of shame that pervades Chrislip, where babies are born fully-clothed.

Fortunately for Mr. Jaworski, global warming turned out to be a liberal hoax.  Chrislip’s record cold this winter accelerated Quinn’s weight loss to the point that he began to resemble a meth addict with good teeth.  To encourage locals to adopt Mr. Jaworski’s fitness regimen, Chrislip’s weatherman has begun expressing temperature forecasts in terms of the weight you’ll lose.

Whether they want to or not, the unemployed throughout Chrislip are adopting the program in droves.

“Initially I was disappointed when the tool and die factory closed down and I lost my job,” said Barbara Pollard, her living room so cold that her breath froze.  “But after the electric company shut off power to my home, I was able to shiver off ten pounds.  And I only lost two toes to frostbite while doing snow angel calisthenics.  If I can keep this up, I’ll be able to eat pizza every day and not gain a pound!”

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