Republicans Greenlight “Meals for Rich White People” Program

Now that the Chrislip Town Council is in Republican control, they are reaching out a helping hand to a demographic group that all too often finds itself lost in the shuffle – rich white people.

Council Chairman Phillip Boliver explains: “For years we’ve had Meals On Wheels and other programs that catered to the poor and the infirm, all the while ignoring the wealthy and the firm. It’s exclusionary, and we’re correcting it.”

Boliver insists that people with a lot of money are just as needy as those with very little. “When Peter Pauper rummages through his couch cushions and finds enough change to buy a box of macaroni and cheese, it represents a bite out of his income. When Chauncey VanderSnoot lays out a few hundred dollars for his caviar and truffles, it takes a bite out of his income, too. A bite that’s just as big, proportionally, as that of the poor guy. It’s time we did something about that.”

Chauncey VanderSnoot, who legally changed his name from Bob Johnson after inheriting his grandfather’s hotel chain, is relieved that the taxpayers are finally shouldering the burden for his opulent lifestyle. “I can’t say I’m grateful,” he says, “because I and my kind don’t have the capacity to feel gratitude toward our lessers. But it’s nice to know that the working class of this world are finally good for something besides karaoke and being proud of their honor students.”

Thanks to the taxpayers, Chauncey VanderSnoot now has plenty of disposable income to spend on cocaine and high-end prostitutes.

Combined with the extension of the Bush era tax cuts, these are heady times to be rich and white. Still, doesn’t it bother Mr. VanderSnoot to know that underprivileged children are going to bed hungry just to maintain his supply of chilled vichyssoise?

He turns introspective. “I think on a certain level, most wealthy people feel bad that we have so much while others have so little.” His face stays fixed in a priceless deadpan expression for several seconds. Then he bursts into gales of boyish laughter and goes off to supervise the gassing of some past-their-prime polo ponies.

That’s the thing about rich white people. You just can’t stay mad at them.

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