Garrison Keillor Tells Chrislip to Be Less Funny
Garrison Keillor and his NPR mafia rolled into town this week determined to let the air out of Chrislip’s half-inflated balloon.
“The upper Midwest is big enough for only one fictional small town filled with entertaining dimwits,” contended the capo of casual humor, “and that town is Lake Wobegon, where all of the children are above average. Get it? Everyone? Above average? Laugh, damn you, or I’ll give you something you’ll really laugh about.”
Chrislip’s Mayor, Howard Presnell, pointed out that the two towns are in different states and that, by contrast, all of our children are below average. Even Chrislip’s disabled children roll their eyes and drool more than slow kids in neighboring communities. These facts were met with a volley of rhubarb pies.
The contention about our children was actually made by striking local schoolteachers. You’ll recall their angry picket signs shouting “Garbage In, Garbage Out!” Still, Mayor Presnell knuckled under and gave the teachers a raise after they pointed out that all of our children used to be well-below average. However, studies later showed that test scores rose while the union was on strike.
“We here in Chrislip refuse to give in to the demands of terrorists, no matter how folksy or funny they are,” the mayor defiantly replied. “They can’t just come in here and politely throw their weight around. After all, irony is our only export. Even fictional mayors gotta eat.”