Latest WikiLeaks Dump Reveals That American Children Are Greedy Bastards
Most parents are unaware of a provision in the Patriot Act that provides the United States government with access to the Christmas lists of American children. After all, what strategic value could be obtained from the wishes of any child young enough to believe in Santa Claus?
“I think that you’d have to agree that it’s no less ridiculous than patting down a white grandmother before boarding an airliner,” replied a spokesman for Homeland Security. “But we’ve been receiving chatter through normal intelligence channels that Al Qaida is seeking to mount a spectacular attack on this country before New Year’s Eve. The terrorists are apparently seeking to fashion a bomb from the explosive dreams of our youngsters and insulated thermoses.”
The contents of the Christmas lists were exposed by WikiLeaks, the nefarious organization devoted to exposing government secrets. The group’s founder, Julian Assange, apparently obtained the information from Louie Buttons, a disgruntled elf who became tired of working like a slave all year long only to have Santa Claus steal all of the limelight with one night of work. The wee Mr. Buttons had served as a liaison between the North Pole and Homeland Security and was taken into CIA custody on Christmas Eve for questioning.
The Chrislip Journal obtained a copy of the leaked information last night and junior reporter Michael Wright has checked the heavily redacted list twice.
“From the extravagance of their requests, one cannot escape the conclusion that American children are a bunch of greedy bastards,” said Mr. Wright. “Still, while I can see how a child’s disappointment might lead to an explosive confrontation with his parents, I doubt that it would be enough to take down an airliner.”