Package Deal: Naked Mailman Named Person of the Year
Three years ago, Mort Fry could barely pass the civil service test to become a mail carrier. Now he’s been named Person of the Year by the Chrislip Journal.
Fry didn’t win for his mail carrying duties, of course; you could teach a spider monkey to be a mailman. He won the award because, since last summer, he has made his daily rounds in the nude.
The choice of Fry was greeted with rampant hostility throughout the town, but Journal editor Todd Farris met the waves of anger bravely, shoving cub reporter Michael Wright out the door to explain the decision.
“Person of the Year isn’t a popularity contest,” Wright said. “It simply recognizes the person who has had, for better or worse, the greatest influence. And this year there can be no doubt that that person was Mort Fry.”
Mort first began making his mark one hot day last July, when he decided that clothing wasn’t necessary toward the swift completion of his appointed rounds. Midway through his route, the police tried to arrest him for indecent exposure, but he explained that waving his penis around was freedom of speech, and they went away.
Mort’s nudity had an immediate effect on day-to-day life in Chrislip. Sales of blackout curtains skyrocketed, and nearly half the people with home mail delivery opted for post office boxes. But it’s also expected to be much more far-reaching, with a long-term impact on the town’s socio-sexual demographic.
“Mort’s mail route took him to the Wee Care daycare center,” explains reporter Wright, “which means that countless youngsters bore witness to him and his bag. Very likely this means that the little girls will grow up with a negative view of men, and will eventually become lesbians. Little boys, on the other hand, are far less likely to become homosexuals.”
This paints a grim future portrait of Chrislip in which its young men, unable to find suitable mates, move away and leave women in charge. Many speculate that, in thirty years’ time, Chrislip will be named Lesbianville. The sun will no more to shine, and it will be as twilight even at noon.
Such is the legacy of Mort Fry. The Chrislip Journal’s selection of a controversial figure is not without precedent. Time magazine, which has an even wider readership, has raised a few eyebrows with their choices. These have included Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, two of whom unleashed unspeakable evil into the world, while the other introduced collectivized farming to Soviet Russia.