Airport Body Searches to be Conducted by Registered Sex Offenders

Passenger Jeffie Langton prepares for boarding

Recent airport protocols issued by the Transportation Security Administration have drawn howls of protest from across the country. Many travelers object to what they consider overly invasive body searches, in which security personnel touch passengers’ breasts, buttocks, groins, crotches, and even genitals to check for weapons or other contraband.

In Chrislip, most of the howls have come not from the passengers, but from the airport employees doing the searching. They are sickened by the sort of people they’re expected to touch. That disgust was made tangible last week when the entire security crew walked off the job.

“Have you seen the kind of people who live in this town?” asked security head Nico Carling. “Picture those turn-of-the-century photos from Ellis Island, all the dirty, stumpy immigrants in their moleskin coats. If Chrislip people looked half that good, we’d still be on the job.”

Fortunately, there will be no interruption of air service in our community. Help arrived from an unexpected quarter when the security jobs were taken over by those unsung heroes of small-town America, registered sex offenders.

The new chief of security is Chuck Buffin, who just finished a six-month sentence for gross indecency in the lower half of a men’s room stall.

Said Buffin: “When we approached the airport manager about taking over the frisking jobs, he asked about payment. We said, ‘How much do you want?’. He said, ‘No, we’re paying you.’ We couldn’t sign up fast enough.”

Chuck Buffin checks a passenger for explosives

Buffin said that he and the other weirdies will do their best to make Chrislip proud of them for a change. “No breast will go ungroped and no penis will go untweaked,” he promised. “We plan to touch, feel, and possibly even rub up against everyone and their brother until this whole terrorism thing blows over. And if any terrorists are reading this – no hurry.”

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