Swearing for Profit? You Bet Your Mother’s *#%&!

A recent government study showed that, with a margin for error of plus or minus 5%, some people like to swear and some don’t.

Chrislip didn’t need a million dollar tax-funded study to determine the swearing habits of its citizens. A local pollster did it for half that cost. What he found is that Chrislipians like to swear. A lot. Why, nobody knows. Maybe the long winters drain the last drops of civility from us. Or maybe it’s the refusal of the tourism bureau to designate us “the Moline of the North,” as we’ve long craved.

Regardless of the cause, Mayor Howard Presnell has come up with a way to make our swearing benefit the community.

“When I was a kid, we had a swear jar on the kitchen counter,” he recalls. “Mom made Dad put a quarter in it whenever he let an ‘oopsie’ slip. Dad had a mouth like an open sewer, so the swear jar put my sister through beautician school.”

Mayor Presnell realized he could expand the swear jar concept to a town-wide scale. This is why, as you approach our town from the east, you will see, rising above the horizon, the gleaming hulls of the Chrislip swear tanks.

There are three tanks. One for minor profanities (MP), one for major profanities (also MP), and one for obscenities (O). Minor profanities are words like “damn” and “hell,” as well as “God” said when you are mad.

What’s an example of an obscenity?

“Go f**k yourself,” says the mayor. “I’m not going to stand around giving examples all day.”

He hopes to one day add a fourth tank to cover a newer breed of swear, the profanity-obscenity. He feels it’s important to include young people in civic activities, and one need only walk through our K-12 hallways and hear the happy shouts of “OMFG!” and “JFC!” to know that our children could contribute mightily to the town’s new source of revenue.

With a great deal of pride, the mayor points out that in five years time, if the citizens of Chrislip continue their foulmouthed ways, the city expects to make enough money to cover the cost of the swear tanks.

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