Trick-or-Treaters Should Dress to Scare, Not Offend

by Mick Williams

You can’t spell “Halloween” without “allow,” and this year I hope you’ll allow sensitivity to be your watchword as you go about outfitting your child for trick-or-treating.

Last Halloween, parents received many, many complaints from me about inappropriate costumes.  I’ll list the costumes that triggered my rage in the hope that you won’t make the same mistake again.

Witch

By now, everyone should know that witchcraft is a religion.  You wouldn’t send your child out dressed as a Methodist or a Ba’hai.  There are just as many witches in Chrislip as there are Ba’hai, so try to show the same respect.

Pirate

Pirates are known for sailing the lawless seas, pillaging, plundering and raping everything in their wake.  But there’s a dark side.  For hundreds of years, pirate frigates along the Ivory Coast collected Africans for the slave trade.  The sight of your child in a pirate costume could trigger genetic slave memories among Chrislip’s African-Americans, if we had any.

Vampire

Someone in a vampire suit is likely to make teenage girls think of the characters in the excellent Twilight movies.  This can cause depression, because it will remind them that, in real life, handsome vampires rarely go for plain janes types like them.  If your child must be a monster, let him dress up as Juan Williams.

The face, tutu, and toe shoes of hate

Ballerina

Ballet is one of the highest forms of Western art.  And therein lies the dirty word – “Western.”  When your daughter is dressed as a ballerina, she is insulting the dancers of other cultures.  Why is she a ballerina rather than an Aboriginal mud skipper?  Or an African Watusi?  Or a Native American peyote dancer?  A ballerina costume is only appropriate if the child is accompanied by enough trick-or-treaters to represent dancers of all other cultures.  It’s also appropriate if your child is a boy.  This strikes a blow against gender stereotypes, and a homosexual blow as well.

Devil

A devil costume implies the existence of God, and might make atheists feel bad.  The founding fathers banned religion from government.  They also meant to ban it from private life, but forgot.

Real change comes slowly.  But only through nurturing, guidance, and constant vigilance can we ever hope to see the kind of world that doesn’t make me mad.  I hope everyone has a safe and tolerant Halloween.

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  1. Why wear a costume at all? I say just head out naked…THE WAY GOD MADE YOU. Then again, if you’re fat, overweight, and out of shape…you’re probably offending God’s craftsmanship.

    http://www.ninjasatire.com

    • chrislipjournal
    • November 21st, 2010

    People in Chrislip are born fully-clothed. Scientists are at a loss to explain this, but they seem to agree that it’s a pretty good idea.

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