Halloween Fatwa Declared in Chrislip
Local officials are understandably eager to avoid the embarrassment of last year’s controversial Halloween costumes. To that end, Chrislip’s self-appointed conscious, liberal studies professor Mick Williams, has appointed himself the arbiter of any horrific fashion judgments. Chrislipians wisely chose not to challenge his “authority”, knowing that any questions regarding the professor’s credentials would be met with a lengthy rant beginning with Chairman Mao’s Long March, continuing with Castro’s Cuban Revolution, and ending with their child’s Halloween mask.
“What we are trying to avoid is a repeat of last year’s epic insensitivity in which a six-year-old child was allowed to offend Muslims throughout the world by dressing up as Mohammad and begging for candy,” explained the professor.
“I’ve been studying this Islam-thing quite closely and apparently they’ve got a problem with people giving really good candy like Milk-Duds to a prophet. So today, I’m announcing a Fatwa against dressing up your child as you-know-who on Halloween. Any children violating my religious edict are to receive really crappy candy like gum drops or circus peanuts.”
“I’m encouraging parents to donate their old costumes to less culturally-sensitive families,” said Williams. “Next year won’t be a problem. We’ll dress the infidels up in all of the left-over Lady GaGa costumes. But this year, all I have to work with is a used Kate Gosselin wig and a Flava Flav costume that’s missing the clock.”
Riding to Islam’s rescue was Chrislip Mayor Howard Presnell, facing a tight race for reelection.
“Hey, I’ve never met this Mohammad-guy, but he sure doesn’t know anything about publicity,” said Presnell. “I’ll bet that he’s never been the mayor of anything, much less a vibrant, God-fearing community like Chrislip. I’m not saying that he’s insecure, but I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to share my likeness with the world.”
Imams everywhere will be relieved to learn that the campaign has donated 100 Halloween masks featuring the likeness of the mayor. Joked a campaign spokesman, “It’s all part of Howard Presnell’s effort to ‘bring sexy back’ to Northern Michigan.”
The announcement puzzled Chrislip’s mothers, who apparently never stopped believing that they were the definition of hotness.