NAACP Establishes Chewbacca Sanctuary in Chrislip
The local chapter of the Northern Alliance Against Climate Pollution (NAACP) is justifiably proud of the effort that they have made toward mitigating global warming in Chrislip.
The movement began in 2008, when a pair of high school seniors, Biebo Suncloud and Dylan Rain, produced an experimental vehicle powered by the audacity of hope. “We made it about halfway to Washington DC,” said Mr.Suncloud. “Then the tank ran out of fuel thanks to the FoxNews hate machine. Damn you, Glenn Beck!”
Attempts to employ solar power were equally problematic since our town is blanketed by a thick layer of clouds for much of the year.
“So the NAACP developed the ‘Sunshine Shower’ program in which we install a solar water heater on a home in sunnier climes and use the electric credits toward local utility bills,” said Mr. Rain. “The program would have worked, too, if people hadn’t found out that it was easier to just move to Florida.”
Local farmer Bruce Regan even converted his machinery to run on biomass. As vegans, Rain and Suncloud are considering whether it’s in line with their religion to eat fresh vegetables that were cultivated using oil that previously fried chicken nuggets.
Beneath the surface lurks a darker truth. Chrislipians didn’t embrace global warming without a fight. In fact, most people around here wouldn’t mind if the temperature were a few degrees warmer and the winters were shorter.
“The NAACP threatened to find an endangered species on my farm if I didn’t stop burning fossil fuels,” claimed Mr. Regan, who was half way done harvesting his 600 acres of corn when he received a notification that he’d have to cut his carbon footprint if he wanted to continue raping the earth.
The NAACP didn’t deny the allegation. “Mr. Regan’s harvester dispersed so much particulate matter and ozone that the Michigan Wildebeest is on the verge of extinction,” said Mr. Suncloud. Informed that no such animal exists, Suncloud exclaimed, “We were too late. Then, by God, I’m going to make sure that the same fate doesn’t befall the endangered American Chewbacca.”