Unholy Race of Mole People Living Beneath Chrislip

The plight of the Chilean miners trapped underground has captured the world’s attention in a way that hasn’t been seen since the last time something like this happened.

If people in Chrislip tend to look at the miners’ ordeal with a slightly more jaded eye, it’s only because our town has a group of trapped miners of their own. While the Chileans have been trapped for four months and may not be rescued for another three, ours have been underground since 2007.

It all began when a chalk deposit was discovered beneath a meadow west of town. Geologists believed it was the fourth largest deposit in this part of the county, so plans were immediately made to begin excavating. It was thought that there might be enough chalk to supply every classroom in the school district, with enough left over for the medical examiner to draw lines around dozens of dead bodies.

Things began to go wrong on the first morning when a cave-in trapped a dozen miners 1200 feet underground. As with the Chileans, our miners also sought refuge in a “safe room,” and within a few days, a crew managed to drill a hole the diameter of a softball to the underground chamber. This allowed them to drop softballs to their stranded colleagues. But things didn’t begin to get better until it was suggested that small food could also be dropped down the shaft.

Work began on enlarging the shaft to rescue the miners, but after a few days they sent up a message that read: “Hurry up, you dumb bunnies!”

“Drilling crews have feelings, too,” explains foreman Ken Lawson, “And although miners are used to some pretty raw language, ‘dumb bunnies’ is a little strong. My boys got mad and went home.”

That was three years ago, and the miners are still down there, with neither side willing to budge. The miners refuse to apologize for calling the drillers dumb bunnies, and the drillers won’t apologize for being dumb bunnies.

Local sci-fi fanatic Maximillian Pumpy speculates on what daily life is like for the trapped miners.

“They’ve no doubt morphed into an unholy race of mole people, beholden to neither God nor man,” he says, tapping a pencil against his retainer. “And their steady diet of chalk has made them super-intelligent, since chalk contains the essence of every theorem and formula ever written on a blackboard.”

Max Pumpy's illustration of what the chalk miners probably look like today

He urges caution in dealing with the mole people if and when they are ever brought to the surface. “They’ll want three things,” he says. “A home-cooked meal, sex, and world domination.” Pumpy admits that these are also on his bucket list, and he is confident he will experience at least two of them before he dies.

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  1. Big money will save the day! Try to get spazBeck on board with some kind of product placement. He uses a lot of chaulk. And poor Max, sitting ther with the big homecooked meal after attaining world domination, will be still wondering…what it’s like..you know…with..with..a real……

    • chrislipjournal
    • October 3rd, 2010

    Maybe he could ask Beck what it’s like. Then again, maybe Beck hasn’t…

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