Vegetarianism Meats Reality in Chrislip

Chrislip’s Roland Morrow has once again found a way to mix scandal and protein.  The owner of Morrow’s Meats found that his products were increasingly blamed for America’s burgeoning waistline.  “People have been eating meat for centuries but only recently has weight become a problem,” said Mr. Morrow.  “Besides, didn’t the First Lady give a speech advocating childhood obesity?  According to FoxNews, Obama is ‘tryptophaning’ us into supporting his liberal agenda.”

As with tobacco manufacturers, butchers often find that public wrath and profits go hand-in-hand.  To compensate for the death of his most loyal customers, Mr. Morrow began spiking his meats with nicotine and serving hamburgers at meetings of the local chapter of BREATHE.  He found that simply adding a few Nicorette Lozenges into the meat grinder would greatly increase sales.  Former smokers were up to a three-cheeseburger-a-day habit before State health officials investigated and insisted that Mr. Morrow place warning labels on his ground meats.

Representatives from the American Lung Association compared Mr. Morrow’s practice to Marlboro handing out cigarettes at Weight Watchers.  While well-meaning, the association accidentally gave Morrow his latest inspiration: vegetarian meats.

Butcher Roland Morrow shows off his new salad bar.

“No matter what we tried, Morrow’s Meats was never able to crack the vegetarian market… until now,” claimed the butcher, pointing to a carrot-shaped veal cutlet.  “Groups like Weight Watchers usually try to replace real food with fruits and vegetables.  That’s why diets fail.  People always return to what they crave.  So I thought I’d give them all of the healthy foods that they’re supposed to eat with all of the grizzle that they’ve grown to love.”

Weight Watchers spokesman Myrtle Lewis admitted that the organization was puzzled by their recent increase in popularity in Chrislip.  “Members would mention that they liked our grilled spinach smothered in A1 Steak Sauce and I told them that there was no such recipe,” said Ms. Lewis, investigating the fraudulent vegetables at Morrow’s Meats.  “I guess it’s only fair since we’ve been selling non-meat meat patties for years.  But still, I prefer barbecuing my spinach until it falls right off the bone.”

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  1. I always suspected nefarious uses for nicotine things. A kid swiping moms gum would get quite a jolt. When I was a kid, my buddies mom had a box of yummy chocolate Ex-lax by the bed. Sure didn’t make that mistake twice!

  2. *sigh*

    Well, at least now maybe I can convince my husband to go vegetarian…

    And what’s wrong with handing out cigarettes at Weight Watchers meetings? Makes sense to me. Don’t people who quit smoking always complain about gaining weight? Hooking up nonsmoking dieters would naturally have the desired effect. I mean, duh!

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