Vegetarianism Meats Reality in Chrislip
Chrislip’s Roland Morrow has once again found a way to mix scandal and protein. The owner of Morrow’s Meats found that his products were increasingly blamed for America’s burgeoning waistline. “People have been eating meat for centuries but only recently has weight become a problem,” said Mr. Morrow. “Besides, didn’t the First Lady give a speech advocating childhood obesity? According to FoxNews, Obama is ‘tryptophaning’ us into supporting his liberal agenda.”
As with tobacco manufacturers, butchers often find that public wrath and profits go hand-in-hand. To compensate for the death of his most loyal customers, Mr. Morrow began spiking his meats with nicotine and serving hamburgers at meetings of the local chapter of BREATHE. He found that simply adding a few Nicorette Lozenges into the meat grinder would greatly increase sales. Former smokers were up to a three-cheeseburger-a-day habit before State health officials investigated and insisted that Mr. Morrow place warning labels on his ground meats.
Representatives from the American Lung Association compared Mr. Morrow’s practice to Marlboro handing out cigarettes at Weight Watchers. While well-meaning, the association accidentally gave Morrow his latest inspiration: vegetarian meats.
“No matter what we tried, Morrow’s Meats was never able to crack the vegetarian market… until now,” claimed the butcher, pointing to a carrot-shaped veal cutlet. “Groups like Weight Watchers usually try to replace real food with fruits and vegetables. That’s why diets fail. People always return to what they crave. So I thought I’d give them all of the healthy foods that they’re supposed to eat with all of the grizzle that they’ve grown to love.”
Weight Watchers spokesman Myrtle Lewis admitted that the organization was puzzled by their recent increase in popularity in Chrislip. “Members would mention that they liked our grilled spinach smothered in A1 Steak Sauce and I told them that there was no such recipe,” said Ms. Lewis, investigating the fraudulent vegetables at Morrow’s Meats. “I guess it’s only fair since we’ve been selling non-meat meat patties for years. But still, I prefer barbecuing my spinach until it falls right off the bone.”