Computer Sex Tourists Invade Chrislip
Like many small towns in Michigan, Chrislip is crumbling, physically, socially, and now morally. Our best and brightest have been fleeing for years and rarely even visit on holidays. So how did Mayor Howard Presnell choose to address our descent into the abyss? Who have our elected officials elected to be our savior? Computer sex tourists.
That’s not a typo. Betty Carlyle’s Bed and Breakfast appeared to have been invaded by the same geeks who annually inhabit Comic-Con in San Diego. It’s all part of an initiative that the mayor rammed through the city council last month. While the rest of the country wrestles with the gay marriage controversy, Chrislip began allowing unions between a man and his computer, giving new meaning to the term “laptop.”
“Our new guests don’t just love technology, they LOVE technology with their whole heart, till death do they part,” said Ms. Carlyle, masquerading as a minister. “Computers get them in a way that a woman never could. It gives me great joy to bring happiness to others, even if I don’t understand why they do what they do with their mouse.”
For those tourists unable to make a long-term commitment to their gadget, Mayor Presnell now rents “robots” by the hour.
“People around the country don’t realize that Chrislip has a long history in robotics,” claimed the mayor, referring to Chrislip High School’s championship in a national robot-building competition last year. Of course, the team was disqualified when their “robots” turned out to be elementary school students dressed up in cardboard boxes decorated with blinking Christmas lights.
So, once again, Mayor Presnell left for Detroit in search of hookers. This time, however, he brought them home, sprayed them with metallic paint, and asked them to talk in a stilted, robotic voice. Howard rents his “Presnells” for $100 an hour, or, as one Japanese John put it, about what you’d pay for a Slurpee in Tokyo.
“It’s an excellent bargain,” said Chrislip’s high-tech pimp. “After all, no one’s ever gotten ‘full release’ from a Slurpee.”