Cafeteria Worker Is Fired After Perfecting Cancer Cure
In the most significant breakthrough in cafeteria technology since the sneeze guard, Chrislip College’s Doris Mervin has announced a cure for Melanoma, the most deadly form of skin cancer. Perhaps the biggest mystery is how the cafeteria worker without a degree or any scientific background was able to do what scores of researchers with billions of dollars in funding could not. However, Ms. Mervin’s supporters insist that cafeteria workers are the patent clerks of the food-service industry.
The discovery has led Chrislipians to wonder if Ms. Mervin will be adding a second Nobel Prize to her collection. She previously won the Nobel Prize for Economics while working in the Chrislip Elementary cafeteria. The notoriety led to a position at Chrislip College, where she specialized in meatloaf.
“I was busy slinging mashed potatoes onto those trays with the little compartments,” explained Ms. Mervin in last month’s issue of Science. “Only this time I missed and when the peas and potatoes got mixed up, it hit me. If the peas were cancer and the potatoes were Salmonella, I might be able to stimulate an immune response to trick the body into attacking the peas, which everyone hates anyway and are a pain to clean up after they’re stepped on.”
Alas, after the freshman class became ill after accidentally eating her latest experiment, she was dismissed by the college and will be continuing her research at the local McDonalds. You’ve been warned.
“Turns out that Doris was covering up for a lack of hygiene in the cafeteria and she heard students discussing the concept,” admitted Chrislip College’s Dean Marner. “Apparently, her Petri dishes were just ordinary dishes that she was too lazy to clean. But, to her credit and our students’ consternation, the green stuff was Salmonella.”