Local Movie Buff Gives Two Middle Fingers Up to Current Rating System
The movie rating system has often been subject to change over the years. In the 1960s, films were rated M instead of PG. This meant that they were for mature audiences. Then Burt Reynolds was invented, and the movie board realized the irony in saying that you had to be mature to watch Gator. More recently, Star Trek fans successfully lobbied to have the X rating changed to NC-17 so that it more closely matched the NC-1701 vessel registry number of the starship Enterprise.
Now, Chrislip High School English teacher and chronic do-gooder Mary Dana has decided to take it step farther and create her own set of altenative movie ratings. This is in response to local public outcry over such recent films as Eclipse and You’ve Got Mail.
“The rating board only tells you who can’t see a movie, not who shouldn’t,” she explained. “I’m tired of turning my brain off and enduring a series of chase scenes that all end with an exploding automobile. If I were that interested in watching cars crash, I’d teach driver’s education.”
She noted that people of below-average intelligence, such as high school janitors, might enjoy Marmaduke, but they wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Malibu of grasping Restrepo. Moviegoers should be aware of that before they enter the theater, she says.
Asked to reply to Ms. Dana’s insinuation that he would be interested in a movie about a talking Great Dane, janitor Chris Delagarza replied, “They’ve taught dogs to talk? And they made a movie about it? If I got the DVD, would it teach my dog to talk? I’d like to ask him why he drinks out the toilet.”
Thus far, Ms. Dana has assigned the following ratings to movies currently in local theaters:
- XO: Any non-GenerationXers who see this movie will hate themselves as much as the main characters loathe their parents.
- RC: A romantic comedy in which two impossibly beautiful people hate each other, yet will be sleeping together within the hour.
- DL: A movie directed by David Lynch, or someone like him. You and your smartass friends will jabber about how brilliant it is, but none of you will have a clue as to what it was about.
- PS: The sort of film that Pauly Shore would have made if he wasn’t still under house arrest.