Chrislip Hearts Pump Prison Blood
Speaking before the Chrislip Kiwanis Club, Judith Harrison, head of the Crawford County Blood Bank announced that donations for the current year are on pace to set an all-time record. “In this troubled time, I’d like to thank those who donated the gift of life,” said Ms. Harrison. In particular, she recognized the efforts of Sheriff Clint Kennedy, who convinced county inmates to donate blood.
What could have motivated such a motley collection of drunks and deadbeat dads to act so altruistically? “I told them that the nurses were from the Innocence Project,” explained Sheriff Kennedy. The Innocence Project uses DNA evidence to exonerate those wrongly convicted of a crime. “After that, Ms. Harrison had all the blood samples she could use.”
This reporter asked the Sheriff if he had a problem with the dubious nature of the donations. “No way, this was a great deal for the taxpayers of Chrislip. Besides all of the plasma money, the inmates became so docile that I was able to lay off one of the guards. After Nurse Stevens took an extra pint, they slept like pale, degenerate babies. Next we’re thinking of starting a sperm bank and shaving their heads and weaving the hair into wigs. We’re even considering filming the prison rapes to sell as gay porn. Man, this place is a gold mine!”
This reporter was aghast at the prospect of harvesting inmate body tissues. Won’t it expose the county legally?
Sheriff Kennedy remained defiant. “You’d think so, but it’s really cut down on the frivolous law suits. For instance, one guy was suing the county because his cell doesn’t have a fire escape. But he agreed to drop the issue after Nurse Stevens gave him some orange juice and a cookie.”