“Enough Of This Crap”:  New Animal Control Officer To Crack Down On Frou-Frou Dogs

For the past 35 years, Chrislip’s dogcatcher was the kindly Chester Montfort.  Chester never met a canine he didn’t like, and when a dog or its owner committed a minor infraction, he was likely to look the other way with a wink and a nod.

Since Chester recently retired after choking to death on a dollar menu cheeseburger at Burger King, there’s a new man in charge.  His name is Vince Gallarago, and he has definite ideas about how to do the job.

Says Gallarago:  “I’ve seen dogs wearing sweaters.  This will stop.  I’ve seen dogs wearing bandanas.  This will stop.  The only thing a dog should wear is burrs in its fur from diving into the bush to flush out quail.”

Officer warns that dogs that look like this may be shot

Gallarago, a former Teamster and Vietnam veteran, also has strong feelings about dogs’ names.  “They should be called Max, King, Lady or Duke,” he says.  “Tinkerbell, don’t let the sun set on you here.  And no Rovers or Spots either.  Vince Gallarago don’t do irony.”

His philosophy is that dogs mimic the behavior of their owners.  “If you act a certain way, so will your dog.  That’s why my dog is dignified, loyal, and only licks himself in the privacy of his own home.”

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  1. As the great philosopher John Prine once observed: “Not bad, pretty good, I can’t complain….but truth is, them dogs are pretty much the same”. Down boy, down!

      • chrislipjournal
      • July 31st, 2010

      I believe he also said, “You must be daddy’s little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll.”

  2. Really? No more nasty little yappy dogs disguised as cute-and-cuddlies? About time someone stood up against this bane of society! Gallarago’s got my vote, man. Maybe some of us will even get our fingers back.

      • chrislipjournal
      • July 31st, 2010

      If you do, can I still call you Lefty? 😉

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