Thar She Goes!

Someone once said that fat people don’t live as long as thin people, but they live wider.  That someone was me, Todd Farris, who is writing this story.

No one in Chrislip lived wider than Kristi Hooverman, and that’s saying something, as female obesity runs in this town in the same manner that gazelles run across the African veldt.  Kristi passed away last Thursday, and when she did, a good portion of our town went with her.

A customized hearse – not a forklift – carries Kristi Hooverman's remains to her final doom

Kristi weighed 860 lbs., but she had the energy and verve of a woman two-thirds her weight.  And her positive attitude never wavered.  “Kristi didn’t think of herself as overweight,” remembers her friend Alice Bogart.  “She considered herself flabulous,  bootyful and rotunderful.  I never knew anyone who loved herself as much or as often as Kristi did.  She was fat-tastic.”

The medical examiner reports that Kristi died of a heart spec-attack-ular, brought on by coronary thrombo-licious.  She was 18.

A memorial service will be held next Tuesday at Wendy’s.  Not the one by Home Depot.  The other one.

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  1. You might want to consider the slogan of fat girls across the land: “A double cheesebuger with bacon, supersizes fries, and a diet Coke”.

    • chrislipjournal
    • July 26th, 2010

    Diet Coke makes a wonderful closer. It cancels out everything before it. 😉

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