Chrislip’s Mayor Admits Being History’s Worst Mass Murderer

We still have nearly four months before the mayoral election, but it’s become clear that the race for Chrislip’s highest office is a two-man race. Howard Presnell is our sitting mayor, and challenger Jack Decker desperately wants his seat.

The war of words has already begun. It started innocently enough, with Decker criticizing Presnell’s fiscal policies, and Presnell countering that Decker always smells like urine. Then Presnell insinuated that Decker was too inexperienced for high office, and Decker implied that Presnell likes young boys.

Jack Decker reacts to the mayor's urine crack

It was all fairly routine campaign stuff, but yesterday Decker said that Mayor Presnell is “the worst mass murderer in history,” and some felt he’d crossed a line.

The Journal did an in-depth background check on the mayor. He received a parking ticket once, and on another occasion was cited for not putting twisty-ties on his curbside garbage. But there is no record of him being the worst mass murderer in history.

Jack Decker stands by his claim. “Who’s the worst baseball player? The one who never got a hit, right? The worst writer? The one who never wrote a word. Mayor Presnell never killed anybody, so the way I look at it, that makes him the worst mass killer. It’s true that he’s tied with billions of other people, but worst is worst.”

Confronted with this logic, Mayor Presnell immediately called a press conference and confessed his guilt to Decker’s charge.

“It’s true that I’m history’s worst mass murderer,” he told a crowd of dozens, and a TV audience of nearly that many. “But my opponent really does smell like urine. In the great tradition of American politics, the voters will go to the polls in November and decide which candidate is the worst.”

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  1. Yes, but what about campaign slogans? How can voters choose the catchier of the two if the Journal won’t print campaign slogans? This is a great breach of the public trust, sirs!

      • chrislipjournal
      • July 26th, 2010

      How about: “At least I don’t smell like urine,” and “I have not yet begun to graft!”

  2. At least it’s colorfull (yellowish?) Down here they’re all “Gods Chosen”. Wish he would choose about a dozen and take ’em with him.

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