Sweethearts of Chrislip High
Like the rest of America, Chrislip is addicted to cable TV reality shows. There are hundreds to choose from, running the gamut from The Bachelor at one end of the spectrum to The Bachelorette at the other. And like many other cities, we have our own cable station and our own reality shows.
In the most popular program this year, The Sweethearts of Chrislip High, we watched to see whether former high school sweethearts would reunite, with no outside influence except for a 14-person production staff of advisors.
Last Thursday night, while the rest of America was watching LeBron James screw over Cleveland in favor of Miami, Chrislipians were glued to their TV machines to find out whether 2010 homecoming queen, Brittany, would renew her relationship with her former beau, Jared. The two had been an item throughout their Junior year, until Brittany announced on the last day of school that she considered herself a free agent and would be entertaining new offers.
Throughout June, interviews of potential suitors were aired on Chrislip Cable. Last Thursday’s episode proved to be a ratings bonanza with nearly over 100 viewers, a dramatic improvement over the twelve sad sacks who tuned in to watch inmates in the local prison receiving Pilates instruction.
An online poll showed that most viewers favored Jared getting back into Brittany’s fold. Quarterback Zachary garnered twelve votes for his rugged good looks and rugged monosyllabic answers. And chess team captain, Austin, earned two votes for his earnest desperation.
“I figured I had the inside track,” said Austin, “because my mom told me I was the third best-looking guy on the chess team.” He also thought that Brittany would be intrigued by his bumper-sticker: “Chess players do it with their bishops.”
As it turned out, the most accurate prognosticator was Chrislip Cable’s mascot, gerbil Lady McMuffins. Presented with photos of the finalists, she elected to make her bed on Austin’s face. Apparently, so did Brittany. She passed up Jared’s white picket fences and Zachary’s two-minute drills in favor of a lifetime of lightning-fast jousts with chess player Austin.
“I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him,” she said. “It was at a school dance, and he was out there on the floor, shaking what his mama gave him.”
Brittany insisted that the money played no part in her decision. “I couldn’t care less about some silly trust fund that matures in three years, two months and 26 days,” she said. “I only care about Dustin.”