Pilates Aids Prison Escape
The fitness of prison inmates is rarely a concern to taxpayers, but according to Pilates instructor Ocean Burgundy, perhaps it should be. For the past month, she has been conducting her 30 minute fitness program from the cafeteria of the local prison. As a result, the flexibility, posture and abdominal strength of our inmates have become the envy of the Michigan penal community.
“It made me cry to think what prison life was doing to their neuromuscular coordination,” said the former Beth Stravinsky. “Now through the miracle of local cable access, their relatives are able to observe the physiological and spiritual awakening of my students. I told them that these bars are no barrier to the master of the ‘mermaid side stretch’.”
To viewers unaware of the change in locale, Ocean’s program resembles an exercise video filmed by Martin Scorsese, with a young hippie chick followed by a pair of sweaty Mafioso in leotards.
“For years, I tried to compensate for a weak core and poor spinal alignment,” said six-time felon James “the Concussionator” Sharp. “My previous exercise routines focused on strengthening large muscle groups and then using those muscles to break the bones of those who owed me money. With less bulk and greater flexibility, someday I’ll be agile enough to scale these walls and thank Ms. Ocean by remaining physically and spiritually free.”