Sheriff Kennedy Releases, Hires Prisoners
Regular readers of the Chrislip Journal are familiar with Sheriff Clint Kennedy’s efforts to cope with a difficult economy and dwindling tax revenues. From selling prisoner blood, to turning the evidence room into a marijuana clinic, to hiring a gay activist to silence a potentially costly lawsuit, each of Kennedy’s initiatives have been met with derision and disaster. Until now, promised Chrislip’s leading law enforcer. This time will be different.
“With the last round of cutbacks, I’ve had to start emptying the prison,” said the Sheriff. “I have to admit that I was sorry to see some of the inmates go, and only partly for public safety reasons. I felt like a high school teacher saying goodbye to the graduating class. The jail’s been awfully quiet without them.”
“Then I remembered reading about a federal grant for rural marijuana eradication. I realized that if these potheads know anything, it’s marijuana. They’d be like pot bloodhounds!”
Chrislipians were understandably shocked when informed that Kennedy’s current scheme involved releasing known drug offenders into the community. Their feelings of alarm were not soothed after finding out the county would be employing the felons to sniff out marijuana.
“It’s the only way I can still keep an eye on them,” explained the Sheriff. “Besides, we’re not paying them with real money. It’s federal grant money, which is as Chinese as the toys at Wal-Mart.”
With that, Kennedy released his Pot Patrol into the forests of Chrislip. While some Chrislipians were upset to find felons rooting around in their gardens, the Sheriff’s latest endeavor surprisingly yielded hundreds of pounds of marijuana plants.
Even more surprisingly, some of the bounty was turned over to the Sheriff, who, required by the Feds to burn the marijuana, is planning a medicinal bonfire upwind of the cancer ward of St. Jude’s Hospital.
“Anyone with an IV is free to attend,” explained the would-be master of ceremonies. “Otherwise you’ll need a doctor’s note to attend the bonfire.”
Perhaps the next time will be different.