Amorous Chrislip Mathematician Unravels the Female Paradox
It is for good reason that the field of mathematics is not known for the torrid love affairs of its practitioners. “I’m the first to admit that, sexually, I’m something of a prime number because, at night, I’m usually only divisible by one and myself,” admitted Chrislip College Professor Judson Tulowitzki. “As a result, I’ve had to find comfort in the company of integers.”
So how was XY able to solve for XX? “I added a variable named Maria to the equation,” said the professor, referring to Maria Lamp, a student in his College Algebra class. Tulowitzki began adding extra credit points to the Chrislip College freshman’s homework, asking in return that she pass on his love notes to Nancy Johnson, an English literature instructor that he had been eyeing but too shy to approach.
While not exactly The Bridges of Madison County, the tactic worked. Initially, the notes were sweet and innocent as Professor Tulowitzki sought out his colleague’s feelings toward him. “But by mid-term, he began writing long equations with sexually-explicit variables,” said Maria. “It was really weird, like Braille pornography.”
“Since I was never very good at math, I couldn’t solve the professor’s advances,” confessed Ms. Johnson. “I sent Maria back with Shakespearean verses suggesting that Judson and I could meet at Starbucks.” Despite using opposite hemispheres of their brains, the two hit it off immediately.
Did Professor Tulowitzki ever think that he could be so happy? “For years, I was frustrated by the impossibility of Prince Rupert’s tetrahedral. One tetrahedron can be entirely contained in another and yet have a larger sum of edge lengths, but how much larger? Now Nancy just takes off her clothes and, as far as I’m concerned, the theorem has been solved.”