Local Hummingbirds Angered by Artificial Flower Craze

The last time you snuck over to peek in your neighbor’s daughter’s window, you might have noticed artificial flowers stuck in styrofoam blocks in their yard.

Those are all the rage in Chrislip right now. There are good reasons people choose artificial flowers over real ones. They’re easy to care for and need less water, which means we get to stay indoors all summer. Yes, only God can make a flower, but only Walmart can sell plastic replicas of them for $4.99, plus tax.

They’re loved by young and old. But there’s one group of people in town who are not at all pleased with this trend: hummingbirds.

David Sloan, an award-wanting ornithologist at Chrislip College, explained the unique symbiotic relationship between hummingbirds and flowers. “They eat that stuff inside them,” he elucidated.

Eyes of anger, beak of hate

Deprived of an abundance of real flowers, local hummers have become even more ornery than usual. Several citizens, a couple of them even respectable, have reported being dive-bombed and buzzed by these small amphibians of the air. Dr. Sloan worries that the situation will escalate, and that we might face an episode similar to Alfred Hitchock’s classic movie The Birds, in which winged marauders messed up Tippi Hedren’s hair.

He says we can protect our hair by putting out hummingbird feeders and dissolving a 10-milligram Valium in the sugar water. This would dull the hummers’ aggression and greatly reduce their wingspeed, just as it does with humans. But he knows that most Chrislipians would rather risk a mauling than part with one of their Valiums. So he says the second best option is to stay inside until November, when the hummingbirds retreat to their underground burrows for the winter.

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  1. Got to use smart pharmacology. My buddy TJ says he takes half a viagra before going out to drink in clubs, says it gets it up just enough that you don’t pee on your shoes.

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