Masturbators Applaud FCC’s “Net Neutrality” Policy
Or at least they would if they had two free hands. The FCC’s policy would extend the agency’s reach to Internet providers. Net Neutrality, if approved, would regulate data and voice transmissions equally. No longer would Internet providers be able to delay that download of Chinatown Cheerleaders to hasten the delivery of an extra 6,427 spam emails advertising Viagra.
“With the spill in the Gulf, the continued war in Afghanistan, the healthcare fiasco, higher taxes, and a runaway deficit, I was beginning to wonder why I voted for Obama,” said Gilbert Thomas of Chrislip. “But if a vote for Barack means free porn, he’s got my support. Who cares if the President never closes Guantanamo?”
The popularity of movie downloads via BitTorrent are consuming an ever growing percentage of Internet bandwidth. The Northern Bytes of Chrislip, our local Internet provider, opposes net neutrality due to the amount of pornography downloaded via BitTorrent.
“I moved here from Detroit years ago because I was sick of the squalor,” said Northern Bytes manager Kimberly Parsons. “But now that I see what they’re watching, it makes me hesitant to shake any man’s hand. In the last mayoral election, I voted for Presnell because he was the only candidate who hadn’t downloaded Brazilian Babes 4.”
Complicating the life of Internet providers like Ms. Parsons is the new “xxx” top level domain. Due to the former vice president’s encounter with an Oregon masseuse, www.AlGore.xxx was the first “xxx” domain registered in Chrislip.
“It’s a sick world that associates Al Gore with sex,” lamented Ms. Parsons. “I thought he was for limiting unwanted emissions.”