Chrislipians Photoshop Their Way to Happiness

A recent tax-funded multi-million dollar government study found that people in Chrislip are more likely than anyone else to keep the sample photo when they buy a new picture frame rather than putting their own photo in it. It’s not that we’re uglier than regular people – we don’t give a damn what that other government study said – it’s just that we’re more keenly aware that the smiling strangers in sample photos are happier than we are. Maybe it’s the hard winters.

People in sample photos are free of the baggage that encumbers our real familial situations. The woman isn’t nagging about the garbage. The kids don’t have that “next stop, juvenile hall” glare in those black coals they call eyes. Is it any wonder, then, that Chrislipians often paste their image from their family photo onto one of these corresponding strangers? It allows us to project ourselves into a family that’s happier, stabler, and more handsome than our own.

All you have to do is invent happy memories.

Unfortunately, the result often looks amateurish, insincere, cheesy, and sometimes even stupid.  That’s where Chrislip frame-maker Timothy Hawkins comes in.

“I take the time to match you with your ideal sample photo family,” says Hawkins.

“Each frame offers you a new opportunity that your current family does not.  We use a 140-question psychological and compatibility test to make sure that the result looks plausible.  Then our trained staff expertly Photoshops you into a family handpicked just for you.”

That’s not all.  Hawkins’ nephew may have flunked out of art school, but try telling that to the many satisfied customers who’ve been painted into masterpieces.

"...And Fred will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead."

Hawkins is currently looking for a videographer to do the same for home movies, creating happy memories for unhappy families.  “It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel, watching your childhood self cavorting at Disneyland with happy strangers.  Remember that long road trip to Dayton with your sweaty family when you were eleven?  If we have anything to say about it, you won’t.”

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  1. Like Woody once said: “My only regret in life is that I wasn’t born someone else”.

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