Security Screener Sheds Pounds the Bin Laden Way

Kathleen Swann has struggled with weight issues all of her life.  At one time or another, she’s tried every fad diet, from cabbage soup to grapefruit to veganism to Atkins.  Nothing has worked.  Even her scale gave up, displaying “OMG” instead of a number.

Ms. Swann was working as a security screener when Homeland Security installed its controversial full body scanner at Traverse City’s Cherry Capital Airport.  While the device has yet to catch any would-be terrorists, looking at nude scans of obese travelers helped her to drop the extra pounds for good.  A sign now warns vacationers that they may be used as motivational tools.

Kathleen Swann will be the centerfold in Playboy’s “The Girls of Cherry Capital Airport”.

“One day I saw this enormous man in the monitor and vowed then and there to change my eating habits,” said Ms. Swann.  “Now I just envision Paul Furkle naked and push the food away.”

Regular readers of the Journal are familiar with Furkle’s job as a professional bed warmer at the Dew Drop Motel.  “I told Kathy that she didn’t have to thank me.  Those scanners were really there to stop Al Qaida.  She really should thank Osama.”

Seeking to use his girth for the good of all mankind, Mr. Furkle is now modeling at the Chrislip YWCA for an art class limited to overweight women.  Participants report that when Paul disrobes, all desire for food leaves the room.  “It’s hard not to take their looks of disgust personally,” admits Furkel.  “I only ask that the ladies send me some of their ‘after’ photos.”

Ladies, if you don’t drop those pounds, Paul Furkle is dropping these shorts.

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  1. It’s good the Furkle is leaving a positive mark on society and not a series of embarassing stains.

    • chrislipjournal
    • June 22nd, 2010

    Actually, he’s doing both. Just like Bill Clinton.

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