Teen Drivers: Brain-Dead Howler Monkeys of the Highway
June is drivers’ training month in Chrislip, which means our roads are even more dangerous than usual. And since our county’s accident rate is nearly three times the state average, that’s one hell of a note.
It’s a busy time for Paul Kreslow, who has been a driving instructor in Chrislip for ten years. Paul is a happy-go-lucky sort, keeping a frozen smile on his face as he turns our youngsters into motorists while trying to keep the carnage to a minimum.
“Teaching young drivers is a good gig,” he says. “I tell the kids that driving has never been easier. I tell them that a brain-dead howler monkey could learn to drive, so maybe some of them can, too.”
He points out that this is the era of the defensive driver. “We’ve all heard the slogan, ‘Watch out for the other guy’. That means that all the other cars on the road are already being careful of themselves, and of you as well. That means you only have to be half as careful, and you’ll be okay.”
With the technical aspects covered in the first fifteen minutes, Kreslow is free to spend the next three weeks teaching the finer points of driving. Such as how to steer with your chin while texting with one hand and playing with the radio with the other. And how to keep your cigarette from burning your crotch when it falls out of your mouth at 85 MPH on the freeway.
Kreslow’s job carries a lot of responsibility, so he has developed little tricks to make sure his attention doesn’t stray from his young charges. “Just between you and me,” he says, “some of these girls are really built. If you tilt the rearview mirror just right, you can see right down their blouses.”
He also stresses the importance of opening the door for a female student when she’s ready to exit the car. “A lot of them wear short skirts, and if you’re standing in just the right spot as they swing their legs to get out, it’s hello kitty!”
He laughed. “That’s strictly off the record, of course. Don’t put that in the article.”