When Politicians Attack…

In November, when many Democratic congressmen are shown the door by an angry electorate, North Carolina Representative Bob Etheridge will have a job waiting for him.  His recent manhandling of a student on the streets of Washington D.C. has caught the attention of Vince McMahon.  “I was impressed with his quick anger and firm grip, but he needs to work on his acting skills.  I’m hoping that, with enough training, he can become another Howard Presnell,” said the WWE founder, referring to Chrislip’s current mayor.

Local residents might remember that Mayor Presnell first gained attention at a political debate by hitting his opponent over the head with a folding chair and then placing him in a sleeper hold until after the election.  Chrislipians have both admired and feared the renegade politician ever since.

The Journal’s Ted X. McCall prepares for an interview with Chrislip Mayor Howard Presnell

The unorthodox political techniques have continued to this day.  Whereas most candidates are known for kissing babies at campaign stops, Mayor Presnell plays an extended version of “got your nose,” refusing to return the nose until after his successful reelection.

“Of course, I realize that, physically, Mayor Presnell didn’t really have my son’s nose,” said a Chrislip mother.  “But you try explaining that to a panicked two year old child, who believes this strange man is walking away with his nose.  At that point, to stop all the screaming, I’d vote for Rod Blagojevich.”

It’s become a Chrislip political tradition to receive from the newly reelected mayor a thank you card featuring the image of a detached nose.  The gimmick has been so successful that during the last election Mayor Presnell began collecting noses at the psychiatric ward of St. Jude’s Hospital.

“I don’t know if that’s responsible for my most recent reelection,” said the mayor, “but it’s got to be a lot more effective than wrestling students on the streets of Washington, DC.  That’s just crazy.  Hey, I did give your kid’s nose back, didn’t I?”

James Gill, who suffers from paranoid delusions, attempts to reattach the nose returned by Mayor Presnell

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  1. Presnell’s campaign theme song is just so catchy!

    Yoink! reeee-fwappafwappafwappa! kerPLOW! DONGGGGGG!

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 18th, 2010

      Saaay, are you sure you didn’t plagiarize that? I recognize the later work of Oscar Hammerstein when I see it!

  2. Holy Ventura! Folks just don’t realize the value of having a wrestler on hand. Like the time French Premier Daladia in 1938 tired of hearing a pro-nazi screed in the Chamber of Deputies, aproached the podium, grabbed the offending defeatest and “ejected him”, rasslin’ style, being a former wrestler. You gotta love it!

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 18th, 2010

      And the Nazis were never heard from again. I do love a happy ending. 🙂

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