Welcome to Vagisil Field
Once upon a time, the names of sports parks reflected the teams that played there: Yankee Stadium, Dodger Stadium, the Astrodome. Or, in the instance of Candlestick Park and Soldier Field, they were named for inanimate objects, such as candlesticks and soldiers.
Then in the 1990s, corporations began paying for the rights to put their own names on sports parks. And all of a sudden we had stadiums named Safeco, Qualcomm, Coors and Comerica.
Well, the 1990s have come to Chrislip. For decades, Chrislip College’s baseball team played at Chrislip Park. Next spring, when they throw out the first pitch, it will be at Vagisil Field.
The Journal’s Ted X. McCall spoke with baseball coach Lou Effinger about the name change.
Ted: Coach, how do you feel about the whole business of using corporate names?
Coach: Like a lot of people, I used to be dead-set against it. I thought it was a perfect example of corporate America sticking its fat nose somewhere it didn’t belong. But I changed my mind.
Coach: It’s hard to pinpoint, but I think it was right about the time our good friends at Vagisil™ were kind enough to let us join their team.
Ted: So it depends on the corporation?
Coach: Absolutely. We wouldn’t want to be associated with a company whose product we didn’t believe in. But we sure don’t mind when the product gives women up to twelve hours of long-lasting relief from vaginal itching and discomfort, and contains an odor blocker that not only masks odor, but keeps it from happening.
Ted: Are you concerned that other teams will tease our guys about the name?
Coach: No, because what jokes could they possibly make? I do feel sorry for our cross-state rivals, the Alberton Elks. They’ll be playing at Kellogg Field. Can you imagine the teasing they’ll have to deal with? “Hey, whatsamatter, didn’t you have your Wheaties??” “Go have a bowl of cereal, why don’tcha?” Kids can be cruel. But they sure can’t be cruel about Vagisil™, which now offers a moisturizer that instantly relieves vaginal dryness and makes those intimate moments more pleasurable.
Ted: Coach, are you aware that when you talk about Vagisil, you develop a fixed, unblinking stare? It’s almost like you’re a Stepford Wife. Have you become a corporate shill?
Coach: Ha! No, I can’t be bought. I’m the same Coach Effinger I’ve always been. But if I was a Stepford Wife, I’d want my vagina to smell its freshest. I would use Vagisil’s™ new pine scent. It’s a real crowd-pleaser.
Ted: I understand the company gave the school a year’s supply of Vagisil. Do you worry that the players will put it on the balls?
Coach: Oh, our team doctor gives the boys Lanacane anti-itch ointment for that.
Ted: No, no, I’m talking about putting it on the baseballs in order to throw illegal pitches.
Coach: So am I. Our ace reliever, Buck Sloan, can throw one hell of a Lanacane slider. But you didn’t hear it from me.