Liberal Professor Accidentally Hires White Intern
On Friday, Liberal Humanities Professor Mick Williams parted ways with long-time intern James McAfee. Those who knew the pair were surprised that McAfee lasted as long as he did. “I just got tired of apologizing to everyone for things that I didn’t do,” said McAfee, who has accepted a job as school janitor
“For instance, on Mondays we’d have to find a Jewish student and apologize for the Holocaust. The Professor would often express the desire to put his German grandmother in the gas chamber just to even things out. But she’s stuck in some nursing home with a security guard who frowns on gassing the elderly. So would he, as a Jew, accept this bagel instead?
“On Tuesday, it was Native Americans. We’d have to get ‘fire water’ from the 7-11 and force white students to get drunk just to see how they liked it. And so on. We’d work our way up to ‘Slavery Fridays’.
“Is it any wonder that the guy was so screwed up that he turned to [Chrislip College Psychology Professor] Dr. Max Trask? But combining Scream Therapy with the Professor’s beliefs only made things worse. He would play hip-hop music and repeatedly shout, ‘My original sin is my skin!’”
At that point, even cleaning toilets began to look appealing to Mr. McAfee.
Needless to say, Professor Williams offers a different take on his experience with Dr. Trask. Although he declined a request for interview, Professor Williams did offer this statement:
“With the invaluable aid of fellow professor Dr. Max Trask, I’ve been able to uncover long repressed memories. For example, I now can recall my mother rocking me at night while quoting Senator Robert Byrd when he said in 1944: ‘Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds.’ Then I’d suckle up to her racist tit.
“If Senator Byrd can overcome his race then so can I. With my next intern, I intend to address my own lack of diversity by hiring in one person as many minorities as I can. I am therefore pleased to introduce my new intern, Javier Gray, the doubly-persecuted Gay Homosexual son of Black African-American descendants of slaves. Initially, I was hoping for a lesbian, but when he volunteered for a sex-change operation, I knew all my bases would be covered.”
When this reporter met with Mr. Gray, it was obvious he was neither Gay nor African-American, but was in fact former intern James McAfee in disguise. Explained McAfee, “Even working for this left-wing nut job is better than cleaning toilets when the cafeteria is serving chili.”