BP’s “Star Kill” Strategy Proves Unsuccessful

Six months ago, the children in Mrs. Weller’s 4th grade class at Chrislip Elementary wrote to Santa Claus.  Lately they’ve written to British Petroleum with ideas on how to stem the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.  “The children become very distraught whenever they see an oil-soaked pelican on CNN,” said Mrs. Weller.  “Writing down their thoughts enables them to feel less helpless, even if most of their ideas are pretty stupid.”

Nine-year-old Mia Roberts suggests using a concentrated, dry blend of stabilized bacterial spores and micronutrients formulated for use in the degradation of petroleum based hydrocarbons.

British Petroleum has tried various methods from Top Hat to Top Kill, from stuffing the pipe with golf balls to cutting the pipe off completely.  Johanna McGee, a spokesman from the oil company, claimed that they’ve tried everything, but nothing is working.   “We even tried stuffing the children’s letters and post cards into the well,” sobbed Ms. McGee after finding an oil-soaked Nemo on the shore near Pensacola.

Last week, the National Enquirer noted a rash of disappearances by minor celebrities that were reported as deaths.  Naturally, the newspaper suspected a conspiracy involving aliens, animals that look like people, or babies that look like crop circles.  Imagine their reporters’ disappointment when British Petroleum confessed that they were trying to stop the flow of oil with B-list celebrities.  Again, however, nothing appeared to work.  Gary Coleman proved to be too small.  Rue McClanahan, too brittle.  Chris Haney, too trivial.

“You can’t just take Kevin Costner and plug him into an oil pipe a mile below the Gulf of Mexico,” said BP’s McGee.  “That’d be crazy.  But a Kevin Costner impersonator might just work.”

Workers prepare to insert Kirstie Alley into the well

While overweight stars would be more appropriate for British Petroleum’s “Star Kill” strategy, most have gone into hiding or are frantically trying to lose the weight that makes them so suitable.  So the oil company will next try to plug the leak with failed contestants from the Biggest Loser.

Network executives like the sense of suspense that BP is adding to the show.  “Before you were just embarrassed to be a loser on the Biggest Loser,” said the program’s director.  “Now you’re either slim, tan and popular or you’re soaking up crude at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.  Now that’s reality.”

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  1. Aaawww, stupid little Mia Roberts. Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? “Stabilized bacterial spores” – hahaha! What an idiot.

    Shoving Kirstie Alley down that well was doomed to fail from the start. I mean, none of her previous attempts to revive her career have worked.

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 11th, 2010

      This was more of an attempt to end it for good. 🙂

  2. Damn. I first read “enables them to feel helpless”. Heh.

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 11th, 2010


  3. S-LL ON KE–O-RD!!!! HEL-!

    • chrislipjournal
    • June 11th, 2010

    I’d like to buy a vowel, please.

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