Man Molests Women’s Shadow
A fiend walks among us.
In the past week, a series of incidents have cast a pall over the Chrislip College campus. Three young women waiting at bus stops claim that they were approached by a stranger who touched their shadows in an indecent manner.
The women – Linda Fleming, Allison Bork, and Lauren Aldrich – all reported identical attacks. A middle-aged man, behaving nervously, darted from the bus shelter, dropped to his knees, and began fondling their shadows, touching them on the buttocks, breasts, and other dirty areas. Police believe the incidents might be related.
“I felt violated,” said Ms. Bork, who asked not to be identified. “Well, maybe not violated, because it was only my shadow he touched. But I still felt pretty sad.”
All three women are students at Chrislip. All are slim and attractive, except for Ms. Aldrich, who might be pretty if she lost some weight.
Police Chief Ed Waxler said he plans to Google “shadow molesting” to find out if it’s a crime. If it is, he vows to bring the queer bird to justice.
“Some law enforcement agencies are more concerned with thinking up clever nicknames for criminals rather than catching them,” said Chief Waxler, “and we’ve come up with some dillies.” They include “The Real Slimy Shady” and “The Silhouette-ophile.”
Shadows are caused when solid objects block the path of the sun’s rays to the ground. They’re not considered dangerous, or even newsworthy, unless they start acting independently of their owners.