Man Molests Women’s Shadow

A fiend walks among us.

In the past week, a series of incidents have cast a pall over the Chrislip College campus. Three young women waiting at bus stops claim that they were approached by a stranger who touched their shadows in an indecent manner.

The women – Linda Fleming, Allison Bork, and Lauren Aldrich – all reported identical attacks. A middle-aged man, behaving nervously, darted from the bus shelter, dropped to his knees, and began fondling their shadows, touching them on the buttocks, breasts, and other dirty areas. Police believe the incidents might be related.


The Real Slimy Shady

“I felt violated,” said Ms. Bork, who asked not to be identified. “Well, maybe not violated, because it was only my shadow he touched. But I still felt pretty sad.”

All three women are students at Chrislip. All are slim and attractive, except for Ms. Aldrich, who might be pretty if she lost some weight.

Police Chief Ed Waxler said he plans to Google “shadow molesting” to find out if it’s a crime. If it is, he vows to bring the queer bird to justice.

“Some law enforcement agencies are more concerned with thinking up clever nicknames for criminals rather than catching them,” said Chief Waxler, “and we’ve come up with some dillies.” They include “The Real Slimy Shady” and “The Silhouette-ophile.”

Shadows are caused when solid objects block the path of the sun’s rays to the ground. They’re not considered dangerous, or even newsworthy, unless they start acting independently of their owners.

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  1. You’ve got to nip this in the butt, er, I mean bud! Why in Fort Worth we had shadow bearing steer statues downtown and somebody complained. Next thing you know a city crew is going around cutting off all the peckers.

    • chrislipjournal
    • June 7th, 2010

    Off of the statues, or the people who complained?

  2. Not quite a “steers and queers” problem but when the state is run by dicks and inhabited by peckerwoods, what is one to do?

  1. June 6th, 2010
  2. July 4th, 2010

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