Sheriff High on Marijuana!

That’s what we’d say if we wanted to sensationalize this story. But to be more accurate and responsible, what the sheriff is high on is the idea of turning the precinct’s evidence room into a medical marijuana clinic.

The idea began harmlessly enough, when police station custodian Amanda Collins had an accident in the evidence room and was nearly crushed to death by an avalanche of drugs, prostitutes, weapons and ski masks. Knowing it would be minutes before help arrived, Amanda ate a batch of marijuana and chocolate chip cookies to survive. These were pieces of evidence in the bust of a downstate gang of bakers, the Lorna Goons.

A laughing, sweating Amanda described the ordeal: “At some point the patterns on the wallpaper turned into little monsters and like this creepy music started playing, and then the monsters like turned 3D and they all started coming at me. Then the biggest, meanest creature of all opened the door and Sheriff Kennedy told me that I was fired.”

“Since Amanda bogarted the evidence, the district attorney is going to have to dismiss the case against the Lorna Goons,” said Sheriff Kennedy. “So I made sure to fire her while she was still high. She took it really well. Even said ‘I love you, man’.”

A sober Ms. Collins found the circumstances of her dismissal less humorous

Like all employers, it pains Sheriff Kennedy to lay anyone off, regardless of how much evidence they ate. Chrislip’s leading law enforcer has been relentless in his efforts to raise funds in order to prevent the layoffs that have plagued nearby municipalities. However well-intended, his past attempts to sell prisoner blood plasma were met with derision.

An inventory of Chrislip’s evidence room gave the Sheriff an epiphany. To prevent future layoffs, Sheriff Kennedy has begun auctioning off evidence on EBay, even if it precludes reopening a cold case file or two.

“From this case a few years ago, we’ve got more clothes made out of eel and badger and sea turtles than you can believe,” claimed Kennedy. “Some of the boots and belts still have their eyes. I can see this stuff going over big in Chrislip.”

Sheriff Kennedy’s new custodian models the beaver hat that a Chrislip woman had on when she was arrested for uttering and publishing. We don't know what that means either.

The Sheriff is even petitioning the city council to open a medical marijuana clinic out of the evidence room. “Once we run out of real evidence, the prisoners could always grow more. And if ‘the man’ doesn’t allow us to open a dispensary here, we can always open a satellite office in California.”

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  1. A Fort Worth cop got fired last week for burning a fattie in a patrol car. Dude! With recycling being trendy, more and more of this evidence needs to go to the common good of society like maybe mix up a big batch of “special brownies” and hand them out at CPAC. We’ll show those tightasses what pursuit of happiness is all about.

  1. July 6th, 2010

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