Fire Claims Local Man’s Pornography Collection

Bill Burdette is comforted by his sister as the enormity of his loss sinks in

He remembers well his first dirty magazine.

“It was a copy of Swank,” Bill Burdette recalls fondly. “The year was 1976, and I was twelve years old. I stole it from my best friend’s older brother.”

Thus began a love affair that would stand the test of time. Burdette went on to amass the biggest pornography collection in Chrislip, comprising thousands of magazines, hundreds of videotapes, four DVDs, and one of those Viewmaster deals.

But nothing is forever, and when a grease fire swept through his garage last week, Camelot came to an end.

The garage was fully engulfed when firefighters arrived on the scene. Burdette was on his knees in the driveway, crying out to the heavens: “Not Plumpers! Not Bone Appetit! Not Feel & Scream!”

But they were gone. All gone.

Burdette is hard-pressed to put a monetary figure on his loss. “It’s like asking how much one of your children is worth,” he says. “Probably about $20,000.”

By nature an optimistic and deeply religious man, he is confident he can build again. “I’ve never owned a computer, so maybe it’s time I joined the digital age. Though I don’t know if there’s any pornography on the Internet.”

No matter what the future brings, Burdette will keep one wistful eye on the past. “I’d give my right arm to have my collection back,” he says. He later phoned the Journal to ask that we change that to “left arm.”

Advertisements
  1. A sad tail indeed. My best friend, married, told me many years ago the key of survivng marriage was thr amassig og a giant porn stash. Maybe with some luck, he can find some blue material on the intertubes.

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 4th, 2010

      Geez, I don’t know, Jerry. Finding porn on the intertubes sounds like a mighty tall order…

      • I know this for a fact. When sis gave me this device last year I experimented with the google and put in the words Bun Fun and the thing directed me to the largest bakery in Shanghai. True story!

  2. Pastor Ted Haggard’s back in business, I’m sure he’d love to give Mr. Burdette a hand. And vice-versa. Simultaneously.

      • chrislipjournal
      • June 5th, 2010

      By “a hand,” you mean a hand in helping him rebuild his porno collection… right? RIGHT??

    • chrislipjournal
    • June 5th, 2010

    Jerry Melton :

    I know this for a fact. When sis gave me this device last year I experimented with the google and put in the words Bun Fun and the thing directed me to the largest bakery in Shanghai. True story!

    And that’s exactly what you were HOPING to find… right?

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: