TLC to Clone Midgets in Bid for Respectability
The Learning Channel is the most ironically named network currently on television. After all, what does TLC teach anyone? How to be a midget? How to dress your kid like a hooker? How to be a tragically bad parent to a large group of children?
Unfortunately, viewers also haven’t learned not to watch the series of cringe-inducing programs. Even when they found out that Jon and Kate Plus 8 wasn’t nearly as filthy as the title implied, they still tuned in. And now we’ve learned that the same people who brought you 19 and Counting and Little People, Big World have asked Chrislip College genetic researcher Professor Dr. Lars Lasko to clone a growing army of ever-smaller people with which the “network” intends to conquer basic cable.
“Look, even the pedophiles in our test audiences were creeped out by the parents and beauty show judges in past seasons,” said a TLC executive. “So this new show won’t have many adults in it. The show is mostly just naked, parent-less babies in test tubes. What could be cuter? I smell Emmy.”
Readers of the Chrislip Journal may remember Dr. Lasko from his work in last September’s issue of the JAMA, the Journal of Alternate Medical Acronyms, in which he asserted that “fictional people live longer than non-fictional people.” As evidence Dr. Lasko cited Fox’s Bart Simpson, “who has been on television for over twenty years and hasn’t aged a day, or even had to change his clothes. The act of being animated seems to convey some sort of genetic benefit that science has yet to isolate. It’s a shame that The Simpsons weren’t around back when Darwin was watching TV.”
Does this latest assignment pose any particular problems for Dr. Lasko? “No, not really. I’ve seen Jurassic Park. And last night I watched the Clone Wars episode of Star Wars, so I think I’ve got a pretty solid handle on this whole ‘cloning an army’ thing.”
If creating life turns out to be harder than he thinks, Dr. Lasko has already hired a production company to film an alternate series that he believes will meet with TLC’s lofty standards. Below is a scene from the pilot episode of Kneeling People, Big Deal.