Chrislip Gets Gay!
With the nation facing two prolonged wars, terrorist threats, record unemployment, economic ruin, and environmental disaster, President Obama swung into action and proclaimed June to be National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month.
Chrislip has come a long way in its attitude toward gays. Gone are the days we used to chase people like that and hit them with sticks. Gone too are the derogatory names they were called. Names like fag, queer, homo, fairy, ass bandit, pants pilot, pole smoker, fudge packer, bum puncher, carpet muncher, trouser jockey, and poodle boy. Now they are known simply as “those people.”
At long last we appreciate the diversity they bring to our community. They’ve given us very tight pants for men and Stephen Sondheim community theater productions. They’ve raised our moisturizer-consciousness. And they’ve contributed such well-known expressions as “I am so not going there,” “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” and “Oh God yes, just like that, Barry.” In the case of the transgenders, “That won’t grow back, will it?” has also become very popular.
Many local merchants are planning to celebrate Gay Week in their own ways, most of which can’t be printed in a family paper. One of the less offensive is Mr. Rolf’s House of Hair, which is offering “Rachel” hairdos at half-price. These are not to be confused with the Rachel ‘do of the ’90s, when millions of women had their hair styled like the Rachel character on Friends. This ‘do pays tribute to the man-cut of MSNBC’s estrogen-depleted commentator Rachel Maddow.
Chrislip salutes its gay citizens, and we wait with excited trepidation to hear what President Obama says we have to be proud of next month.