Mafia Report Shows Mafia Not That Bad

Eddie the Gerbil and Johnny Two-Arms

Like everyone else, the Mafia just wants to be held.

Organized crime first gained a foothold in Chrislip in the late 1950s, and has been a force in our community ever since. For the most part, it’s been content to fly under the radar, conducting its business quietly in pool halls, meat lockers, and the bottoms of fishponds.

Now, local mafiosi are reaching out to the community and trying to take a more visible role in civic events. There was the recent “For Us, Capice?” charity spaghetti dinner at city hall, the proceeds of which were donated to criminal bigwigs. And this Founders’ Day, the Mafia will sponsor a float in the main street parade.

The initial overture for the parade was made last year when local wise guys Eddie “The Weasel” Vincenzo, Johnny “One-Arm” Nunzio, and Nick “The Enforcer” Francone met with the Founders’ Day committee. The float request was turned down, in part because the Committee was put off by the trio’s constant use of Underworld buzzwords such as “Mr. Big,” “See?” and “Heyyy, pastafazool!

This year, a kinder, gentler syndicate sent Eddie “The Gerbil” Vincenzo, Johnny “Two-Arms” Nunzio, and Nick “The School Crossing Guard” Francone to make the request, and it was granted. The float will feature “Cozy Nostra,” which was recently adopted as the Mafia’s official mascot.

Cozy Nostra

“It’ll be an honor to be a part of the parade,” said Eddie the Gerbil. “And it would be a huge thrill if we won the award for best float the very first time we entered.”

And if they lose?

“We’ll break the judge’s hands with a sledgehammer,” he replied. Then he caught himself and chuckled. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, force of habit. If we lose, we’ll congratulate the winner and try to do better next time.”

“We would have to break the judge’s hands, though,” added Johnny Two-Arms. “I don’t think people would respect us if we didn’t. Just like they wouldn’t respect the Shriners if they didn’t ride around in those little cars.”

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  1. We’re kind of gangster free around here, at least since they hauled Jack Ruby off. The intimidation don’t go too far when half the people down here own a pistol, the other half long guns. Cozy sure is cute. Must have been sent up from Detroit connections with the Purple Gang.

    • chrislipjournal
    • June 1st, 2010

    Cute is definitely what they’re going for. The Mafia “kiss of death” has been replaced with a Howie Mandel-style fist bump. It still means you’re gonna die, but it is just SO adorable!

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