Citizens Asked Not to Tell Their Dads They Love Them on Father’s Day

With Father’s Day nearly here, Sheriff Clint Kennedy has one simple request: Don’t text “I love you” to your Dad.

“We don’t want a repeat of what happened on Mother’s Day,” he says.

This is what happens when you tell someone that you love them.

He is referring to the tragic aftermath of a billboard sponsored by the Chrislip Unitarian Church that encouraged passing motorists to send an affectionate text to their moms. While studies have shown that texting while driving can be as dangerous as driving drunk, young people are accustomed to both. Old people, however, are not used to receiving texts, drunk or sober.

When their cellphones suddenly began vibrating, hooting, whistling, beeping, and playing Yellow Rose of Texas, mothers and grandmothers on the rush hour roads reacted by veering into the wrong lanes, driving onto the sidewalks, and turning downtown into an even bigger disaster area than usual.

“You have to remember that the bluehairs don’t embrace technology like the rest of us,” says Sheriff Kennedy, proud owner of a pocket calculator and a digital wristwatch. “Imagine the ones with their cellphones in their pockets. They felt vibrations in their pants that they hadn’t felt in decades.”

An added danger, he says, is that the elderly are simply not used to people telling them that they love them. He cites the Mother’s Day case of Nancy Donahue. When her cellphone began professing its love, her car jumped the curb and hit a fire hydrant. “There she sat, weeping, water gushing all around her, shouting ‘I love you too, I love you too!’ at her Tracfone. Sure, it’s funny now, but you have to remember that a perfectly good fire hydrant was ruined.”

So when Father’s Day comes, Sheriff Kennedy respectfully asks that you keep your damned feelings to yourself.  If you insist on showing your love to your father, he says, do so with a card. He suggests one with wisecracking monkeys on the front.

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  1. Jeez, it’s hard enough with a girlfriend. You can at least fake it with Moms. But the Old Man, that love is on a declining scale mere seconds after conception!

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