The Seven Wonders of Chrislip

By Buddy Fenster, Chrislip High Sophomore

Last week in our world history class we were talking about the Seven Wonders of the World, of which there are seven of them. If you ask me, it’s pretty stupid to be teaching us something like that, because how many of us will ever get to see the Sphinxes or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon? My parents hardly ever get to Babylon anymore, though I think maybe they used to. My dad said they traveled a lot before us kids came along and screwed up their lives.

But the thing is, there are dozens of Seven Wonders of the World right here in Chrislip. So I’m going to name seven of them.

Number 1: THE DUMP

I know a lot of people are probably like, “But that’s a dump.” It is, but once I found a pie out there that was only half-eaten, and a toothbrush that still had most of its bristles. And there are about a million rats, most of whom are rabid. If they had a big screen TV out there, you’d never have to go home.

Number 2: HERBERT KNAPP’S BASEMENT

Herbert Knapp is someone who really cares about his community. He’s a Boy Scout troop leader, a headmaster in the Chrislip Boys’ Club, a charter member of the Guild of Young Fellows, and a mentor for wayward boys. He lets boys from the neighborhood hang out in his basement. He’s in his 40s, but I guess being with kids keeps him young. He’s got a Foosball table and a Skee-Ball down there, and an Xbox, and all kinds of things that boys like. He even sets up wrestling matches between the kids. And he’s so thoughtful he makes us wrestle in our underpants so we don’t get our clothes dirty. And he videotapes the matches so he can study our technique. Some people say he’s a pervert, but I don’t think so. I’ve never even seen a girl at his house.

Number 3 and Number 4: GLENNIE MACKERSON

Glennie has the biggest cleavages in 11thgrade. I don’t mean to brag, but I talked to her once. I went up and said “Hi,” and she shot me in the face with pepper spray, which permanently blinded me for about eight minutes. I guess I was kind of asking for it, so I don’t hold it against her. The truth is, if she was in an accident and I found her unconscious, I would still feel her up.

NUMBER 5: ROSKIN’S TATTOO PARLOR

The guy who owns Roskin’s, Roskin, is pretty cool. Once this guy came in and got a rose tattooed on his hip, and after he got it he didn’t have enough money to pay for it. So Roskin knocked him out and tattooed a big WHITE POWER symbol on his chest. Then he drove him down to Detroit and somehow found a section of town with a lot of black people, and kicked him out without a shirt on. I think that’s a really cool way to run your business.

NUMBER 6: THE PHARMACY GUY’S HOUSE

The pharmacy guy, Alan Kennedy, was accused of selling prescription drugs illegally. Judge Jerry Kennedy, his brother, asked Sheriff Clint Kennedy, his brother, to conduct an investigation, but the evidence got accidentally burned up when his briefcase caught fire, and the charges were dropped, and so was the briefcase.

NUMBER 7: THE SMUT HUT

The Smut Hut is one of the best pornography stores in Chrislip. They sell movies with guy-girl action, girl-girl action, and girl-guy action. I’ve never been in there because you can’t be a minor. Once I tried to sneak in by walking in backwards so they would think I was leaving, but it didn’t work.

FacebookStumbleUponGoogle BuzzRedditDiggdel.icio.usTechnorati

Advertisements
  1. Gee, your Mr. Knapp sounds just like Father Herbie who my nephews used to hang out with, after their altar boy duties at Our Lady of the Blind Eye! Good ol’ Father Herbie…wonder what ever happened to him…

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 28th, 2010

      Maybe he’s alive and well (“well” being a relative term) and living in Chrislip. 😉

      Rob

  2. What a happening place. But let me offer a tip from our former TV personality Video Bob who mentioned that around these parts, with all the super-churchy types, they would site the Smut Hut way out in the middle of nowhere proving the old axiom: If you build it, they will come.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 29th, 2010

      We passed this advice along to the owners of the Smut Hut. That last word in your post, Jerry… they said they’d never seen it spelled that way before.

      😉

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: