The Seven Wonders of Chrislip
By Buddy Fenster, Chrislip High Sophomore
Last week in our world history class we were talking about the Seven Wonders of the World, of which there are seven of them. If you ask me, it’s pretty stupid to be teaching us something like that, because how many of us will ever get to see the Sphinxes or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon? My parents hardly ever get to Babylon anymore, though I think maybe they used to. My dad said they traveled a lot before us kids came along and screwed up their lives.
But the thing is, there are dozens of Seven Wonders of the World right here in Chrislip. So I’m going to name seven of them.
Number 1: THE DUMP
I know a lot of people are probably like, “But that’s a dump.” It is, but once I found a pie out there that was only half-eaten, and a toothbrush that still had most of its bristles. And there are about a million rats, most of whom are rabid. If they had a big screen TV out there, you’d never have to go home.
Number 2: HERBERT KNAPP’S BASEMENT
Herbert Knapp is someone who really cares about his community. He’s a Boy Scout troop leader, a headmaster in the Chrislip Boys’ Club, a charter member of the Guild of Young Fellows, and a mentor for wayward boys. He lets boys from the neighborhood hang out in his basement. He’s in his 40s, but I guess being with kids keeps him young. He’s got a Foosball table and a Skee-Ball down there, and an Xbox, and all kinds of things that boys like. He even sets up wrestling matches between the kids. And he’s so thoughtful he makes us wrestle in our underpants so we don’t get our clothes dirty. And he videotapes the matches so he can study our technique. Some people say he’s a pervert, but I don’t think so. I’ve never even seen a girl at his house.
Number 3 and Number 4: GLENNIE MACKERSON
Glennie has the biggest cleavages in 11thgrade. I don’t mean to brag, but I talked to her once. I went up and said “Hi,” and she shot me in the face with pepper spray, which permanently blinded me for about eight minutes. I guess I was kind of asking for it, so I don’t hold it against her. The truth is, if she was in an accident and I found her unconscious, I would still feel her up.
NUMBER 5: ROSKIN’S TATTOO PARLOR
The guy who owns Roskin’s, Roskin, is pretty cool. Once this guy came in and got a rose tattooed on his hip, and after he got it he didn’t have enough money to pay for it. So Roskin knocked him out and tattooed a big WHITE POWER symbol on his chest. Then he drove him down to Detroit and somehow found a section of town with a lot of black people, and kicked him out without a shirt on. I think that’s a really cool way to run your business.
NUMBER 6: THE PHARMACY GUY’S HOUSE
The pharmacy guy, Alan Kennedy, was accused of selling prescription drugs illegally. Judge Jerry Kennedy, his brother, asked Sheriff Clint Kennedy, his brother, to conduct an investigation, but the evidence got accidentally burned up when his briefcase caught fire, and the charges were dropped, and so was the briefcase.
NUMBER 7: THE SMUT HUT
The Smut Hut is one of the best pornography stores in Chrislip. They sell movies with guy-girl action, girl-girl action, and girl-guy action. I’ve never been in there because you can’t be a minor. Once I tried to sneak in by walking in backwards so they would think I was leaving, but it didn’t work.